WASHINGTON, DC – In an ongoing effort to stem criticism from all sides of the political spectrum, leading members of the neo-conservative movement finalized a resolution resurrecting an amended Constitutional provision.
Paul Wolfowitz, deputy Secretary of Defense told reporters that, “This was a necessary post-war action for taxation purposes only – someone has to build Mohammed roads to move from points A & B & C, and those cost money. Besides, the provision worked fine for over 70 years in this country and look how we turned out.
I also think before you people rush to conclude wild unsubstantiated slippery-slope consequences of these actions; you should stop living in the past. What was done was done, mistakes were made and we should move forward. After all, it’s not like the Iraqi people would be subjected to forced labor or ostracized from society. Hell, there isn’t even an Arabic word equivalent to “niggardly.”
I stand firm with this decision, we should give the provision another try. After all, it took two detonations of atomic bombs on civilian targets to bring the Japs to their knees. We could do that again, but somehow I don’t think the Iraqis would care if we nuked Japan again.”
Not all neo-conservatives think alike though.
Joseph Farah, editor-in-chief of WorldNetDaily, a popular neo-conservative website, told reporters that, “This really has nothing to do with a post-war plan; these ay-rabs really aren’t fully human. Sure Ali looks like your average Joe when he’s stripped down to his underwear, I bet they even reproduce in a similar fashion as we do – though much dirtier and not in a Jesus approved position. But don’t let them fool you; they aren’t Real Humans in the White-Man’s Burden sense. They speak a completely different language, eat completely different foods and worse, believe in different things than you or more importantly, I do.
To their credit, at one point in their development the Ay-rab world was cultured and refined, they reportedly even had their own schools and libraries to educate themselves on how to raise camels and live in the sandy deserts. But they really haven’t advanced much in the past century or two. So, we need to re-civilize them, re-enlighten them and re-educate them. We gave them plenty of time and warnings, now they will understand what is meant to have a bleeding-heart of love and how peace and tolerance can be forced into their barbaric daily lives.”
Speaking briefly to reporters, Barbara Bodine a former US envoy to Yemen and neo-conservative stated, “Yes, I agree with whatever those two gentlemen concluded with. The ay-rabs are 3/5ths of a real American, and that’s really pushing it because they still worship leaders and are extremely nationalistic. Oh and to lead by example, I plan on moving to post-war Iraq to help administer and export my widely acclaimed belief system.”
May Allah have mercy on all of their souls.