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Despite the wide range of rumors, I did not pen the following blog satire.

I’m also not running for Mayor, that was simply gossip that started around the breakroom coffee machine a few weeks back based on the pregnancy test results.

Yes, it was bound to happen. The last few levels were repetitious as all you really had to do was merely dwell on the wisdom of the old asian man you met at the beginning of the game, “And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, guts.” The enemies were all the same old washed out ninja’s that could be run over easily by mutated turtles. The music was just the same diddy over and over, high C followed by a few A-minor chords with varying octaves. And the graphics, what can I say, it had “cheap import” written across it in BIG letters.

Much to my dismay, neither Bud Selig nor Megatron nor Cobra Commander were the final bosses either. No, it was Alf. I’m really not sure why he was the ultimate boss, but he didn’t put up much of a fight once I distracted him with my cat. Once the feline was in place, I hacked away at his measly 2500000 hit points with my Godly Bastard Sword of the Whale.

It wasn’t really even a fair fight, as the timing of his punches were predictable, though I had to deal with his minions at the same time,

…but most of those were easy:
To be perfectly honest, some of them still haunt me at night:
Anyways, I heard there is a sequel already out, I’ll buy it of course, because well, there really is no need to justify my actions seeing as I own the original Powerglove and Powerpad. But you should know that I’ll look to see if there are any new weapons and of course, for the pinup babes — though, those don’t fit in the boxes like they used to.

Addendum: thank you Golbez for this quick trip down memory lane.