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Below is a list I put together from this list of untouchables (or rather, if you touch it, you’re phuqed):

3 Doors Down — Be Like That

Yea, because that’s on everyone’s must-have list.

Billy Idol — Dancing with Myself

Uhh, does anyone know anyone that will admit to knowing anyone that has ever listened to any of his songs? And I don’t mean his cameo in The Wedding Singer.

Dr. Dre — Don’t Forget about Dre

I’m really not jiggy with it anymore (being an Adult Real Person® and all) but who are these guys kidding? I talked to Jason, we think something like the following happened:

Person A: “uhh, our list isn’t complete”
Person B: “I know exactly what we need, a washed-out, has-been gangsta from one of them coasts”
Both together: “Dr. Dre”

DURAN DURAN — Hungry Like the Wolf

If you get caught swapping Duran Duran files you deserve to be beaten like a Mexican pinata on Cinco de Mayo.

Any song by Green Day. You are lamer than that “L” chick in Smashmouth’s All Star song.

Ice Cube — You Can Do It

Actually, just using his name is a tacit endorsement for such unoriginal nomenclatures. Someone should call me Colloidal Fog or Homogenous Pepper or Universal Solvent. Hell, if you want to be as basic as a physical property, just call me Liquid Aqua: sup jefe.

Jennifer Lopez — Play

I will personally build the rubber-band gun that shoots your rumpage out of Dodge. You need to read up on what constitutes “thinking” and “cognition.”

Madonna — Material Girl

Isn’t that like her “big” song? C’mon RIAA, are you that petty? I’m not sure about you, but I’m fairly certain that every person, whether they are Joe Tribesman in Sub-Saharan Africa or Paco the Chilean migrant all deserve to hear Breathless Mahoney in action. It’s a universal right…

Anything by Michael Jackson, if you are caught you deserve to have your picture taken, pasted in every woman’s bathroom with the words “I am a eunuch” written on top of your forehead and ultimately cock-blocked for life.

Paula Abdul — Cold Hearted

Hmm, I’m fairly certain that Ms. Paula is starving to death in some Gotham-like ghetto because you’re depriving her of millions in royalties each and every year. You’re cold hearted and a sick bastard.

Ricky Martin — Livin’ La Vida Loca

How much do you want to wager that your average Kazaa user thinks that “Livin’ La Vida Loca” is about a story of a local female video store clerk who lives in New York City and goes insane after drinking too much bubbly, gets butt ass naked in the middle of 5th Avenue and does some weird cranial surgery at night — I rest my case.

U2, they didn’t even list one that is remotely popular to anyone outside of whatever Ivory Tower the executives at the RIAA live in. Or rather, maybe Bono truly thinks that “All I Want Is You” is uber popular among the krazy kats here in America (actually, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For is the first song I download each time I install Kazaa on a computer).

Van Halen — Hot for Teacher

So my question is, which member is alive and can form a sentence (note: a sentence for the purposes of this exercise involves using 3 words similar in style to ‘run spot run’)? Does this hint at the high intellectual level these melacious “pirates” are operating at? I think even baby Jebus would cut them some slack.

Wyclef Jean — Guantanamera

Now this is a personal favorite. Back in high school spanish class we would sing this (though, in a non-profit sense, no one made mucho dinero cuando habla la musica magnifica). Truthfully, who doesn’t already know all 1723 spanglish words to Guantanamera? De donde crecen las palmas…

So in summation, with the sole exception of MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit, I am convinced that the individuals that are caught, prosecuted, detained and executed for the villainous crimes of holding, trading and copying these files, had it coming to them. You should all be whipped with a soggy noodle and burned by itty bitty magnifying glasses like the little petulant ant you are.

Oh and I’m also wondering if any artist not listed here is going to be upset, after all, they’re livelihoods are also at stake… I mean bands like Pink and Tamia are certainly in much higher demand than Marky Mark and Vanilla Ice, right?

A couple weeks ago I went over to the Weblogs Ping Form and manually entered in a couple of websites including The Inquirer and The Register. For those unfamiliar with how the Blogshares market simulation works, here’s a quick breakdown: a program (bot) scans each of the sites that ping Weblogs.com and then adds new ones to an ever growing database.

This database in turn places each weblog into the Blogshares marketplace and is within a few weeks time, a publicly traded entity (the value of each blog is dependent upon how many other blogs link to it and unsurprisingly, The Register is quite popular among geek bloggers).

Sure you can say I was pretty damn bored, but it’s poetic justice — individuals like Mr. Orlowski continually bash weblogs as a terrible, rotten nymphomania disorder, yet the very site he publishes such diatribes is by definition, a weblog.

Now that I have an inkling of your attention, here is a simple explanation for what a weblog is: a site that publishes content in reverse chronological order, some of which includes hyperlinks to other content/sites/blogs/etc. It can be topical or entirely helter skelter and is usually updated once a month or so (the word “often” comes to mind).

The Register runs about a dozen stories each day, all in reverse chronological order. Many of the stories include links to other content/sites/blogs/etc. And, it is geared towards management information systems and technology.

Sure it might not be as community oriented as Slashdot or Kuro5hin, but there are other ways to tell how popular it is from a blogging perspective. Look at the Technorati, Organica, Popdex and Google results.

That’s right, holy beeping scheise batman.

Maybe all this time Orlowski has been trying to hint to his editors, to allow more teenage girls to freelance for them… or maybe Andrew Orlowski is Andrea Orloudski, an average 16 year-old gal from the suburbs of the Midwest.

It’s elementary my dear Watson.

Secure IDE:

ABIT’s SecureIDE will keep government supercomputers busy for weeks and will keep the RIAA away from your Kazaa files.

Thanks to ze Taiwanese you can now kinda sorta fight back against The Man. Actually, here is how it works:

For MAX3, the ABIT Engineers listened to users who were asking for information security. SecureIDE connects to your IDE hard disk and has a special decoder; without a special key, your hard disk cannot be opened by anyone. Thus hackers and would be information thieves cannot access your hard disk, even if they remove it from your PC. Protect your privacy and keep anyone from snooping into your information. Lock down your hard disk, not with a password, but with encryption. A password can be cracked by software in a few hours.

How do you like them apples?

Additionally, you know how I put forth a prediction as to who the RIAA was targeting? Well, that riddle has been partially solved, as explained at Slashdot:

“Slyck News seems to have found a pattern in just what files the RIAA is searching on to find offenders. It seems the RIAA is targeting a wide reach of music, including Hip Hop, R&B, Rap, Rock, Pop and Country songs. Artists such as Ludacris, Michael Jackson, NAS, Busta Rhymes, Keith Sweat and Musiq were very common throughout the subpoenas. They’ve even created a helpful chart showing exactly what artists and songs seem to get one flagged.”

And if none of those links work well, try out this guys site, he put the Excel list into a regular txt so we can all view it easily.

Note: and as Marc2k pointed out, maybe the RIAA is actually doing us a favor, look at the list of songs that are being targeted (kidding kidding, we all love Snoop Dogg).

Lastly, my friend Bill Malloy put together a quick letter you can write the talking head that apparently represents you (farcical aquatic ceremony indeed) and petition for some sort of grievance or for Viking reparations… because they pillaged your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa. Damn them.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of IPv6. Anyone besides Ralph? Well News.com has a good overview of what this next-generation project is, what it solves and the limits that forced its creation.

For those unfamiliar with internet lingo, it stands for Internet Protocol version 6, it’s an “update” to the current standard called IPv4. The most notable difference with IPv6 is the addressing space, which is 128-bit versus IPv4 which is only 32-bit (if you’re familiar with CPUs it’s a similar battle between 32-bit and 64-bit designers [AMD vs. Intel]). With IPv4 there is a 4.3 billion limitation to the amount of addresses available (like 192.168.0.1). This was implemented 30 years ago and the space was delegated at a time when North America was basically the only geographic area that would need/use the technology — so in turn, they got 70% of the space. Places such as, China and India basically got the short end of the stick, with China only receiving 30 million IPs.

The biggest problem that you probably see is that this limited supply will soon be saturated, especially in markets like China and Japan whose populations love to be “always-on” (web phones and the like). As a result, IPv6 is being embraced by individuals and companies in many other areas outside of North America — because instead of only have access to 4.3 billion IPs, you now have 1000 IPs for every person on the planet.

And they all said “hurray.”

Anyways, the reason I mentioned this is because new web phones are responsible for saturating more and more of this network… and I just bought one. Actually, mine is a super neat 2.5G phone — I can’t surf the web.

So I’m not part of the problem, I’m part of the solution, and that my friends is what the Gipper would be pleased to hear about. Do it for the Gipper.

Exhausted DJ misses world record target:

A hip-hop DJ has failed in his bid to set a world record for the longest continuous DJ marathon.

He gave up after 70 hours of spinning records due to exhaustion, according to staff at the South Wales community centre where the fundraising event was held.

DJ Jaffa, also known as 34-year-old Jason Farrell of Cathays, Cardiff, began his attempt at noon on Friday and was hoping to play for 80 hours to 8pm tonight - shattering the official Guinness world record of 74 hours.

Proceeds, sponsorship and donations collected during the weekend were in aid of Amnesty International.

Simon Matthew, who works at Cathays Community Centre in Cardiff, said: “Just before 10am DJ Jaffa needed to quit, he was exhausted.

“There are mixed feelings at the centre, we wanted him to beat the record but in the end it was a fantastic event which raised money for a good charity.

“We all feel a little deflated but 70 hours is a long time and he did unbelievably well to carry on that long.”

Despite DJ Jaffa’s failure to smash the world record, it is thought he may have broken the British record for the longest continuos DJ marathon.

He will need to submit evidence of his attempt to officially set the record.

I wouldn’t know what to do or say after the first 36 hours, I mean, is twisting those turntables really that enigmatic that you would be motivated to continue the bippity bop for another day and a half? I think I’d rather be blogging, who wouldn’t?

I was looking at the EFF’s recent article on How Not To Get Sued by the RIAA for File-sharing and thought this was an interesting point:

2. The RIAA appears to be targeting subpoenas at users who allow their computers to be “Supernodes” on the FastTrack P2P System (used, for instance, by KaZaA and Morpheus). In order to further reduce the risk of having your ISP subpoenaed or of being sued yourself, we recommend that you make sure your computer is not being used as a Supernode. To learn more about Supernodes and how to make sure your computer is not one, look here: http://www.whtvcable.com/fasttrack and http://helpdesk.princeton.edu/kb/display.plx?ID=9245. See also Disabling the Supernode function with KaZaA (PDF 331k).

Now for those of you that are unfamiliar with a ‘Supernode’ here is a good explanation as to what it is:

Supernodes are an essential part of the network. When being a Supernode, other users in your neighbourhood will automatically upload to your machine a small list of files they are sharing, whenever possible using the same Internet Service Provider or located in the same region as you. When they search they send the search request to you as a Supernode. This request will also be forwarded to other supernodes. The results are then send back to the user. The actual download will be directly from the computer who is sharing the file, not from you. The download goes from them to the person who wants it, peer-to-peer.

Any computer using Kazaa (Lite) can become a Supernode if they have a modern computer and are accessing the Internet with a broadband connection. Being a Supernode does not affect your performance noticeably.

Now, keep in mind, the RIAA is apparently targeting Supernode users, the question is however, why?

I’m wondering how Kazaa users will be able to communicate without Supernode users. Maybe the RIAA figured out that the Supernode users are an important glue within the entire system and without the coordination/communication that goes on between ‘normal’ and ‘Supernode’ users, file sharing would either be more difficult or impossible. If that is the case, than targeting these users first would be a smart move for the RIAA.

Remember, these Supernode users aren’t even necessarily trading the most files (or any for that matter), but what they are doing is assisting/aiding the swapping of files by acting as a decentralized shard in a DNS-like system.

Let me know if you see any other article that discusses this idea, I’d like to know the method to their madness (other than eating lots of paint chips and/or being a militant vegan).

I’m torn between finding my IP address in their database and receiving a summons or warrant from everyone’s favorite uniformed officers:

Subpoena Username Query Form

Concerned that information about your file-sharing username may have been subpoenaed by the RIAA? Check here to see if your username or IP address is on one of the subpoenas filed with the D.C. District Court. This information is drawn from the court’s publicly available PACER database and will be updated when that system is updated.

Username or IP address:

For more information on limiting your liability, check out How Not to Get Sued by the RIAA for File Sharing (and other Ideas to Avoid Being Treated Like a Criminal).

And as luck would have it, none of my 27 IPs attached to my huge datacenter(s) are found in this Database of Love™. I’d like to thank my mom and dad for this opportunity…

Naked women safari hunt ‘was hoax’:

A promoter who offered to take men on safaris in which they could hunt down naked young women with paintball guns admits it was a hoax.

Promoter Michael Burdick now faces charges and could get six months in jail and a $1,000 fine for operating without a proper business licence, said the Mayor of Las Vegas Oscar Goodman.

“I’ll do everything I can to see this man is punished for trying to embarrass Las Vegas,” Goodman said.

Burdick found himself the target of women’s groups after he told a Las Vegas TV station that he was selling reservations to men willing to pay up to $10,000 to hunt down naked women in the desert.

Las Vegas officials investigated and said Burdick admitted that the safaris were just a hoax intended to promote the “Hunting for Bambi” videos that Burdick sells.

The videos are marketed as depicting nude women being hunted by men who have paid for the privilege. But the mayor said the videos actually show “actors and actresses and there wasn’t even the real shooting of paintballs”.

City officials said Burdick sold videotapes through a company owned by his fiancee, Lakana Campbell.

John Redlein, an assistant city attorney, said Burdick offered the hunts at high prices to discourage anyone from actually booking a safari, and he told investigators his internet site could not even accept credit card charges in the amount necessary to reserve a hunt.

Amusingly enough, I know of some individuals (through a friend of a friend) that not only was pumped up about the existence of such a paintball arena, but was going to save up money to shoot up Olga, Helga and Bertha.

Of course, they also believed that Metallica patented the chords E and F…

Everyone’s favorite consumer charlatan advocate group is of course, in the news more and more, this time, as Pete at DiVERSiONZ points out, the RIAA does not care who actually downloads very popular Milli Vanilli songs. Nope, if you clicked the “Download button” no matter how old you are (gramps included) you’re totally guilty of being a Section 8 malfunction that should be dumped into File 13 (theft?).

So… I was wondering what would happen to the 12 year-old cousins I have, I mean, they are vile degenerate philistines that must be placed under State control. If they are allowed to roam the Internet, causing suffering and mass starvation for thousands of artists who knows what wars they might cause in regions far far away.

Call in the Marines, the true enemy is file swappers, a menace to society the RIAA.

Going on holiday ‘lowers your IQ’:

A scientist claims going on holiday makes you stupid.

Siegfried Lehrl, of the University of Erlangen and Nuremberg in Germany, says sunbathing and relaxation lowers your IQ.

He told Berliner Kurier: “Fourteen days of complete rest can be enough to bring your IQ down by 20 points.”

Mr Lehrl agrees people who work hard all year need some time to relax.

But he says they should avoid getting bored while on holiday, since boredom affects intelligence.

He told the newspaper paper: “Boredom is a warning signal when we feel a lack of mental challenge.”

Mr Lehrl recommends a daily round of backgammon, or taking a book along to the beach to stay smart.

I wonder if there is a way to “gain” those 20 points back… I mean, afterawhile wouldn’t you go negative?

Hi, I’m Forest, Forest Gump.

I guess this puts a new spin on public education too:

Martin: Mrs. Crabapple, I’m really bored, can’t we try to learn something challenging or new?
Crabapple: I’m sorry Martin, but this is what the Board told us that this was the proper way to do things, besides if its worked this well for so long, why change it?

Youth spend more time on Web than TV-study:

NEW YORK, July 24 (Reuters) - Teenagers and young adults spend more time on the Internet than watching television, indicating a shift in media consumption for a demographic prized by advertisers, said a new study released on Thursday.

The survey of 2,618 people, aged 13 to 24, was conducted by independent research firms Harris Interactive and Teenage Research Unlimited in mid-June on behalf of Internet media company Yahoo Inc. (nasdaq: YHOO - news - people) and media services company Carat North America.

On average, young people said they spent nearly 17 hours online each week, not including time used to read and send electronic mail, compared with almost 14 hours spent watching television and 12 hours listening to the radio, the study said.

A majority of youth polled said they are also likely to be engaging in other activities while using the Internet, such as listening to radio or talking on the telephone. Many said they were most likely to look on the Internet for information on movie and music reviews or celebrity news.

“While other generations are more likely to be wed to a single type of media…today’s teens and young adults are not overwhelmed by the abundance of media choices…but rather feel empowered by it and are able to multi-task,” the study said.

Wenda Harris Millard, chief sales officer at Yahoo, said teens and young adults are using the Internet as the “hub” of their media activity.

“There’s a lot in the study that shows this is a primary medium for information, product information, pricing information, school needs,” she said. “It would never occur to them to go to a newspaper to look up a movie time.”

Surprise surprise? I’ve watched maybe 20 minutes of TV in the past couple of months, and that was by accident at a sports bar (though, I did enjoy the rugby).

How many of you actually watch TV? And if you answer “yes” I mean other than sit-coms, sports or soft-core porn.

IBM and several large IT firms are beginning to outsource many engineering and technical jobs to places like India and China. The number one reason cited: lower overall costs.

Various posters at Slashdot went ape shit over this news, proposing the clichéd example of unionizing the workforce, because “American jobs belong to American people.”
(more…)

I’m sure all of you reading this are familiar with file-swapping services like Kazaa, Napster, etc. As some of you know the RIAA is not a big fan of such services and has issued subpoenas to unveil the identity of those using the software to trade files.

TechTV managed to get ahold of a partial list of users that will be investigated and possibly brought to trial under charges of involuntary manslaughter, treason and sexual assault.

Seriously though, as I mentioned previously, various politicians are dancing the two-step with the RIAA and would like to make copyright abuse equivalent not only to “theft” but categorized under as a criminal activity (because remember, terrible, evil things happen with every Britney Spears album swap).

Sorry to see that anyone else will have to face The Suits and Wigs in the coming months, here’s hoping that Y2K4 strikes the RIAA central computers early and often.

NEW YORK, New York – Financial markets closed down at record lows amid reports that Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank, saw his own shadow, signaling a need for an additional time period in order for the highly anticipated recovery to take place.

Prior to the revelation, William Poole, president of the St. Louis branch of the Central Bank stated, “All the necessary indicators are signaling like a 19-year old coed at a keg party, we can expect tremendous growth anytime starting in the soon-to-be here, future. In fact, I recommend that we go ahead and get this orgy going asap – I heard my mom keeps a spare printing press by the Jack Daniels down in the basement.”

Following Poole’s lead, senior analysts from the Wall Street Journal, carrying freshly baked Apple Pies to a backroom, issued a list of conditions crucial for the success of a mid-year rally:

- Foreign war(s)
- Unbalanced budget
- Deficit spending
- Printing with impunity
- Loaning with impunity
- Loathsome regulations
- Crony kick-backs
- Softwood tariffs
- Farm subsidies
- Massive bureaucratic growth

Moments later Steve Forbes, editor-in-chief of Forbes magazine, seconded the WSJ recommendations under a system he gayfully called “paramount, de rigueur and momentous” — while running around naked with a plastic bong and funnel screaming other synonyms for “necessary.”

Then at 3 pm EST, CNBC broadcast the burrowing Randian waking from its bittersweet stupor. Upon the Delphic revelation that not all is well in Nottingham, washed-out commentators repeated the words “bling bling” in juxtaposition with “recovery” in what Guinness Book of World Records called the “largest circlejerk in all of written history” passing the previous record held for over 1700 years by the authors of the Kama Sutra.

From the “personal-responsibility-does-not-exist” department:

Freddie Mac: ‘This is a painful day’:

Internal report shows problems with accounting, controls, disclosure and former management.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Freddie Mac, the nation’s second-largest housing finance company, suffered from accounting problems, defective internal controls and disclosure, and failures of governance by former managers, a report from outside counsel released on Wednesday shows.

McLean, Va.-based Freddie Mac (FRE: up $1.10 to $52.19, Research, Estimates) also said it still expects it will restate retained earnings as of Dec. 31, 2002, higher by $1.5 billion to $4.5 billion.

“This is a painful day for Freddie Mac,” said Shaun O’Malley, installed last month as Freddie Mac’s chairman, in a statement. “Just as investors and the public have a right to know the unvarnished facts about Freddie Mac’s accounting mistakes, they should also know that our safety and soundness have never been compromised.”

The 107-page outside report was prepared by Baker Botts LLP after a seven-month investigation, Freddie Mac said.

“Our investigation found issues of (i) accounting policy and financial reporting, (ii) internal control adequacy, (iii) former management’s governance practices, and (iv) disclosure policy,” the report said.

It said Freddie Mac became “overly reliant” for basic accounting decisions on then independent auditor Andersen, several of whose members now work for Freddie Mac, under supervision of new Chief Financial Officer Martin Baumann.

Freddie Mac hired PricewaterhouseCoopers in March 2002 to replace Andersen, discredited for its role in Enron Corp.’s collapse.

The report also said former Chairman and Chief Executive Leland Brendsel and Vice Chairman David Glenn controlled the information flow to help “steady Freddie” report “nonvolatile” profit growth. As board members became worried about the quality of the accounting, starting in the fall of 2001, “Brendsel and Glenn failed to take prompt corrective action,” it said.

Freddie Mac fired Glenn in June, and Brendsel retired. Greg Parseghian replaced Brendsel as CEO.

This is nothing new as Robert Blumen has reported on this tom-foolery several times in the past few weeks (as have many others).

What is new, the sordid realization that something is rotten in the State of Denmark — another bubble is about to pop.

Note, I’ve got some snake oil and bridges I’d like to sell, if you know of anyone that invested in Fannie or Freddie please send them my way.

Since I have really nothing of importance to fill your head with (doing research on WiFi and writing up an article on it takes more time than I have between me being a sycophant brown-noser and a kellermeister), here is another picture from my infamous directory of degenerative pixelations:

Feel free to send me any pictures you think are phunny, witty or down-right libertine — I might even credit you in the fine print section.

May you live long and prosper mucho.

Today’s message was brought to you by the letters S, C and O.

SCO Registers UNIX(R) Copyrights and Offers UNIX License:

“For several months, SCO has focused primarily on IBM’s alleged UNIX contract violations and misappropriation of UNIX source code,” said Darl McBride, president and CEO, The SCO Group. “Today, we’re stating that the alleged actions of IBM and others have caused customers to use a tainted product at SCO’s expense. With more than 2.4 million Linux servers running our software, and thousands more running Linux every day, we expect SCO to be compensated for the benefits realized by tens of thousands of customers. Though we possess broad legal rights, we plan to use these carefully and judiciously.”

[jerk off motion] Have you heard of the “bring your daughter to work week” program? I think the guys at SCO practice the “bring your favorite RIAA executive to work for an undisclosed amount of time” program. Or maybe vice-versa. Why, you ask? Because of this:

Music pirates face subpoenas:

US record industry officials have already won 871 subpoenas to identify music pirates illegally downloading songs over the internet.

More than 75 subpoenas are being granted every day, US courts said on Friday.

I’m thinking maybe once a month Sontag, McBride, Valenti and Rosen have a group pow-wow out in the Bohemian Grove, worshipping owls, drinking blood from goats, practicing pure evil… in other words, synergizing litigation conundrums.

I mean, it all makes sense now. In fact, I’m sure the epiphany that these particular [insert synonym for nefarious] individuals had was quite similar to Hansel’s (Owen Wilson) sudden manifestation uttered through the maxim: “It’s so simple! The files are in the computer!”

On a more personal note, since I’ve rejoined humanity (well, the corporate world), I’ve noticed that meat space can be a lot of fun. In fact, I probably shouldn’t say this aloud, but neither blogging nor the desire to soak up the latest news headlines crosses my mind at all throughout the work day. I guess there really is a world outside of the Information Super Highway™.

Of course, it could just be the water they’ve been serving at the orientation meetings… General Ripper would surely have something to say about that.

Metallica Sue Canadian Band over E, F Chords:

MONTREAL — Metallica are taking legal action against independant Canadian rock band Unfaith over what they feel is unsanctioned usage of two chords the band has been using since 1982 : E and F.

“People are going to get on our case again for this, but try to see it from our point of view just once,” stated Metallica’s Lars Ulrich. “We’re not saying we own those two chords, individually - that would be ridiculous. We’re just saying that in that specific order, people have grown to associate E, F with our music.”

Metallica filed a trademark infringement suit against the indie group at the US district court for central California on Monday. According to the drummer, the continued use of the two chords causes “confusion, deception and mistake in the minds of the public”.

Metallica’s lawyer, Jill Pietrini, told us that the band decided to take legal action only after first sending a letter of complaint to the Canadian band’s singer/songwriter, Erik Ashley.

“We sent a demand letter and haven’t reached a resolution, so we had to sue,” she said. “They continue to shamelessly feature the two chords on their website song samples and we just can’t have that.”

Ashley, in the meantime, is still shocked by the entire story, and hasn’t yet decided how the band will respond.

“I thought it was a prank at first,” he told us. “Now I’m not sure what to think.”

Ulrich states that he’s not trying to prevent Unfaith from using the two chords, only that he feels Metallica should be credited for them whenever used, and is calling for 50% of all revenue generated from any song using them.

“It’s nothing personal against them,” he added. “We intend to enforce our rights with any band intending to use Metallica-branded chords in the future.”

This marks the first time anything of this kind has ever been tried in court, and it will be interesting to see how things develop.

Metallica’s website has issued an official statement on the suit here.

Unfaith’s official website hasn’t officially responded at print time.

Hehe, boy do I love a good spoof. I personally liked it more probably because I wouldn’t put it past Lars Ulrich to bitch and moan about something as trite as that. And because the story has circulated all across the web, Snopes.com (they debunk Urban Legends and what not) put together a critique of the parody.

Remember, the earth is flat, they said so on TV.

So, I know all of you are just dying to know what I have been up to the past day. Last night I ended up at a Chinese karaoke club (I was one of three honkies) that was way over priced, I didn’t even drink anything and it cost $8 for less than 2 hours of ad-libbing lyrics. Actually, what was really funny is that each group of people had access to individual studios they could rent for a pretty penny (hence my indignation for the cost). What was funny though, was not just the availability of songs (think of having a playlist of just generic pop music from MTV), but the scenery playing in the background for each song. I kid you not, I was sent back to Australia 1990.

The hair, the clothing, the style all just screamed: I have a hang over from the ’80s. Yup, with each song came a new location with new lovers smooching. So we went from the Sydney Opera House to some resort that apparently is the hot cool neat place for thirtysomething ladies to go all Swayze on us — Dirty Dancing (… Chris Farley chippendale?). Actually, it was more like Kevin Bacon’s Footloose, the costumes, the hip gyration, the “I have no idea why I’m practicing this in an abandoned warehouse” look.

The only thing I was disappointed about, I couldn’t sing to Hanson (mmm bop) because one of the party members decided to usurp my de facto authority and as a result, we had to endure the Spice Girls, three times.

Whatever failings last night might have brought me, today everything was compensated fully. Yes, that’s correct, I played paintball. If you’ve never gone paintballing let me explain what it is. First, you are given a gun that looks like it shouldn’t work (plastic bottles and pipes going every which way). You have these little balls the size of marbles which a propelled through a barrel via some sort of air (like nitrogen). That might not sound so threatening if it weren’t for the fact that they traveled at around 200 feet/second.

I’d show you my chest, but you could just as easily get the picture by visiting ShowMeYourWound – seven welts alone on my chest, all bigger than a quarter and a few that shot out some blood. I also took one in the left knee, a couple on individual fingers and a direct shot to my left palm.

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing, the idea behind paintball is similar to that of any other sport, a competition between teams (or individuals). So all of those cuts and bruises came as a result of getting in the way of Mr. Paint.

I played for about 6 solid hours with several friends in which we played on several teams all of which were comprised of 20 or so people each match. There are various games you can play, from Capture the Flag, Elimination, Defend the Fort, Speedball and a few others. For the most part we just played Elimination, from which a good rule of thumb could be coined: let all of the hyper overzealous teenagers run in front of you, sit back and wait until their knocked out and save the princess.

Surprisingly just about every match my friends and I played, we won. That’s not to say that the other guys were easy, or we weren’t knocked out of the game often, but Lady Luck was definitely on our side. In fact, the very last game of the day (called Reincarnation, once you got hit all you had to do is go back, tag a wall and you’re back in the game), I was the man of the moment for some odd reason. We had 15 minutes of which the first 14.5 minutes no one was allowed to go past the mid point. The only way to win was to run from your side of the field to the other without getting shot. I somehow managed to crawl from the back of our base, to the mid point just as the last 30 seconds were ticking down. I stood up, found a bad guy, was about to unload on him and he voluntarily surrendered. I then hauled ass, and you could literally hear the ground behind me just getting drenched in paint from the opposing team trying to nail me. I got to the other side with about 10 seconds to spare and was clobbered with a barrage of balls. All in a days work.

Anyways, I recommend paint ball for just about anyone. Make sure you bring plenty of water, some jeans and a long shirt. For those adventurous ladies (yes, even one of my friends girlfriend came and played), make sure any skin you do not want squished and reddened is covered completely. Camo clothing (BDUs) are also very useful, especially if you’re fighting in the woods (I wore my old Guard clothes).

Lastly I got a new job with an electricity provider (not Enron), which I actually started this past week (hence lack of posting). I’ll try to keep the blog up-to-date each and every day, but don’t get your panties in a wad if I don’t leak the latest rumor on who Demi is sleeping with or who shot JR.

COURT KOS COLLEGE WHIZ KID:

July 16, 2003 — A 15-year-old Manhattan girl whose parents sent her to college instead of high school has been told by a judge that she can’t get her associates degree even though she’s got enough credits - as city officials launched an “educational neglect” probe against her dad.

Angela Lipsman has been passing courses since she was 11 at the Fashion Institute of Technology and Manhattan Community College. She has a 3.8 average.

Excelsior College, an Albany school that grants degrees based on work at other colleges, said she has more than enough credit to get her degree.

But Albany Supreme Court Justice Bernard Malone ruled Monday that because she’s not 17, Angela is too young to obtain a high-school equivalency diploma. And without some kind of high-school diploma she can’t qualify for a college degree.

Malone said she could have taken accelerated courses in high school and graduated early, as other students do.

The Post first reported on Angela’s unusual case in April.

She has one hope. If the city Department of Education rules her college courses “equivalent” to a high-school diploma, she could qualify for her degree. Chancellor Joel Klein is reviewing her case.

Meanwhile, her dad, Daniel, said the Administration for Children’s Services notified him he’s being investigated.

ACS opened the probe after getting a complaint through a child abuse hot line.

“I’d rather go to jail than send my daughter to high school,” he said.

“They don’t know my parents or me,” Angela said.

“If they did, they wouldn’t be doing this investigation. Is there something wrong with college?”

This ranks up there with the little girl’s lemonade stand being shut down. So how do you think the conversation on the complaint line sounded like?

Operator: ACS, what can I do for you?
Do-gooder: Yes, I’d like to open a file regarding possible abuse.
Operator: What seems to be the matter?
Do-gooder: Well, you see, there is this girl who is the same age as my daughter, we’ll call her Lisa S. Her parents think they know what is best for her and refuse to budge on certain issues.
Operator: Could you be more specific, what exactly is the crime?
Do-gooder: She doesn’t have to attend high school like my daughter does nor is she continually harassed, torn down and utterly collectivized.
Operator: Why didn’t you say so in the first place? This is heinous and must be stopped else others will get the same idea. Without State education how can you grow up to live a mediocre, uneventful and insipid life?

Evil deviant non-conformists, they should all be locked away in the Tower of London, with Urkel and ALF.