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Below is a list I put together from this list of untouchables (or rather, if you touch it, you’re phuqed):

3 Doors Down — Be Like That

Yea, because that’s on everyone’s must-have list.

Billy Idol — Dancing with Myself

Uhh, does anyone know anyone that will admit to knowing anyone that has ever listened to any of his songs? And I don’t mean his cameo in The Wedding Singer.

Dr. Dre — Don’t Forget about Dre

I’m really not jiggy with it anymore (being an Adult Real Person® and all) but who are these guys kidding? I talked to Jason, we think something like the following happened:

Person A: “uhh, our list isn’t complete”
Person B: “I know exactly what we need, a washed-out, has-been gangsta from one of them coasts”
Both together: “Dr. Dre”

DURAN DURAN — Hungry Like the Wolf

If you get caught swapping Duran Duran files you deserve to be beaten like a Mexican pinata on Cinco de Mayo.

Any song by Green Day. You are lamer than that “L” chick in Smashmouth’s All Star song.

Ice Cube — You Can Do It

Actually, just using his name is a tacit endorsement for such unoriginal nomenclatures. Someone should call me Colloidal Fog or Homogenous Pepper or Universal Solvent. Hell, if you want to be as basic as a physical property, just call me Liquid Aqua: sup jefe.

Jennifer Lopez — Play

I will personally build the rubber-band gun that shoots your rumpage out of Dodge. You need to read up on what constitutes “thinking” and “cognition.”

Madonna — Material Girl

Isn’t that like her “big” song? C’mon RIAA, are you that petty? I’m not sure about you, but I’m fairly certain that every person, whether they are Joe Tribesman in Sub-Saharan Africa or Paco the Chilean migrant all deserve to hear Breathless Mahoney in action. It’s a universal right…

Anything by Michael Jackson, if you are caught you deserve to have your picture taken, pasted in every woman’s bathroom with the words “I am a eunuch” written on top of your forehead and ultimately cock-blocked for life.

Paula Abdul — Cold Hearted

Hmm, I’m fairly certain that Ms. Paula is starving to death in some Gotham-like ghetto because you’re depriving her of millions in royalties each and every year. You’re cold hearted and a sick bastard.

Ricky Martin — Livin’ La Vida Loca

How much do you want to wager that your average Kazaa user thinks that “Livin’ La Vida Loca” is about a story of a local female video store clerk who lives in New York City and goes insane after drinking too much bubbly, gets butt ass naked in the middle of 5th Avenue and does some weird cranial surgery at night — I rest my case.

U2, they didn’t even list one that is remotely popular to anyone outside of whatever Ivory Tower the executives at the RIAA live in. Or rather, maybe Bono truly thinks that “All I Want Is You” is uber popular among the krazy kats here in America (actually, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For is the first song I download each time I install Kazaa on a computer).

Van Halen — Hot for Teacher

So my question is, which member is alive and can form a sentence (note: a sentence for the purposes of this exercise involves using 3 words similar in style to ‘run spot run’)? Does this hint at the high intellectual level these melacious “pirates” are operating at? I think even baby Jebus would cut them some slack.

Wyclef Jean — Guantanamera

Now this is a personal favorite. Back in high school spanish class we would sing this (though, in a non-profit sense, no one made mucho dinero cuando habla la musica magnifica). Truthfully, who doesn’t already know all 1723 spanglish words to Guantanamera? De donde crecen las palmas…

So in summation, with the sole exception of MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit, I am convinced that the individuals that are caught, prosecuted, detained and executed for the villainous crimes of holding, trading and copying these files, had it coming to them. You should all be whipped with a soggy noodle and burned by itty bitty magnifying glasses like the little petulant ant you are.

Oh and I’m also wondering if any artist not listed here is going to be upset, after all, they’re livelihoods are also at stake… I mean bands like Pink and Tamia are certainly in much higher demand than Marky Mark and Vanilla Ice, right?

A couple weeks ago I went over to the Weblogs Ping Form and manually entered in a couple of websites including The Inquirer and The Register. For those unfamiliar with how the Blogshares market simulation works, here’s a quick breakdown: a program (bot) scans each of the sites that ping Weblogs.com and then adds new ones to an ever growing database.

This database in turn places each weblog into the Blogshares marketplace and is within a few weeks time, a publicly traded entity (the value of each blog is dependent upon how many other blogs link to it and unsurprisingly, The Register is quite popular among geek bloggers).

Sure you can say I was pretty damn bored, but it’s poetic justice — individuals like Mr. Orlowski continually bash weblogs as a terrible, rotten nymphomania disorder, yet the very site he publishes such diatribes is by definition, a weblog.

Now that I have an inkling of your attention, here is a simple explanation for what a weblog is: a site that publishes content in reverse chronological order, some of which includes hyperlinks to other content/sites/blogs/etc. It can be topical or entirely helter skelter and is usually updated once a month or so (the word “often” comes to mind).

The Register runs about a dozen stories each day, all in reverse chronological order. Many of the stories include links to other content/sites/blogs/etc. And, it is geared towards management information systems and technology.

Sure it might not be as community oriented as Slashdot or Kuro5hin, but there are other ways to tell how popular it is from a blogging perspective. Look at the Technorati, Organica, Popdex and Google results.

That’s right, holy beeping scheise batman.

Maybe all this time Orlowski has been trying to hint to his editors, to allow more teenage girls to freelance for them… or maybe Andrew Orlowski is Andrea Orloudski, an average 16 year-old gal from the suburbs of the Midwest.

It’s elementary my dear Watson.

Secure IDE:

ABIT’s SecureIDE will keep government supercomputers busy for weeks and will keep the RIAA away from your Kazaa files.

Thanks to ze Taiwanese you can now kinda sorta fight back against The Man. Actually, here is how it works:

For MAX3, the ABIT Engineers listened to users who were asking for information security. SecureIDE connects to your IDE hard disk and has a special decoder; without a special key, your hard disk cannot be opened by anyone. Thus hackers and would be information thieves cannot access your hard disk, even if they remove it from your PC. Protect your privacy and keep anyone from snooping into your information. Lock down your hard disk, not with a password, but with encryption. A password can be cracked by software in a few hours.

How do you like them apples?

Additionally, you know how I put forth a prediction as to who the RIAA was targeting? Well, that riddle has been partially solved, as explained at Slashdot:

“Slyck News seems to have found a pattern in just what files the RIAA is searching on to find offenders. It seems the RIAA is targeting a wide reach of music, including Hip Hop, R&B, Rap, Rock, Pop and Country songs. Artists such as Ludacris, Michael Jackson, NAS, Busta Rhymes, Keith Sweat and Musiq were very common throughout the subpoenas. They’ve even created a helpful chart showing exactly what artists and songs seem to get one flagged.”

And if none of those links work well, try out this guys site, he put the Excel list into a regular txt so we can all view it easily.

Note: and as Marc2k pointed out, maybe the RIAA is actually doing us a favor, look at the list of songs that are being targeted (kidding kidding, we all love Snoop Dogg).

Lastly, my friend Bill Malloy put together a quick letter you can write the talking head that apparently represents you (farcical aquatic ceremony indeed) and petition for some sort of grievance or for Viking reparations… because they pillaged your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa. Damn them.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of IPv6. Anyone besides Ralph? Well News.com has a good overview of what this next-generation project is, what it solves and the limits that forced its creation.

For those unfamiliar with internet lingo, it stands for Internet Protocol version 6, it’s an “update” to the current standard called IPv4. The most notable difference with IPv6 is the addressing space, which is 128-bit versus IPv4 which is only 32-bit (if you’re familiar with CPUs it’s a similar battle between 32-bit and 64-bit designers [AMD vs. Intel]). With IPv4 there is a 4.3 billion limitation to the amount of addresses available (like 192.168.0.1). This was implemented 30 years ago and the space was delegated at a time when North America was basically the only geographic area that would need/use the technology — so in turn, they got 70% of the space. Places such as, China and India basically got the short end of the stick, with China only receiving 30 million IPs.

The biggest problem that you probably see is that this limited supply will soon be saturated, especially in markets like China and Japan whose populations love to be “always-on” (web phones and the like). As a result, IPv6 is being embraced by individuals and companies in many other areas outside of North America — because instead of only have access to 4.3 billion IPs, you now have 1000 IPs for every person on the planet.

And they all said “hurray.”

Anyways, the reason I mentioned this is because new web phones are responsible for saturating more and more of this network… and I just bought one. Actually, mine is a super neat 2.5G phone — I can’t surf the web.

So I’m not part of the problem, I’m part of the solution, and that my friends is what the Gipper would be pleased to hear about. Do it for the Gipper.

Exhausted DJ misses world record target:

A hip-hop DJ has failed in his bid to set a world record for the longest continuous DJ marathon.

He gave up after 70 hours of spinning records due to exhaustion, according to staff at the South Wales community centre where the fundraising event was held.

DJ Jaffa, also known as 34-year-old Jason Farrell of Cathays, Cardiff, began his attempt at noon on Friday and was hoping to play for 80 hours to 8pm tonight – shattering the official Guinness world record of 74 hours.

Proceeds, sponsorship and donations collected during the weekend were in aid of Amnesty International.

Simon Matthew, who works at Cathays Community Centre in Cardiff, said: “Just before 10am DJ Jaffa needed to quit, he was exhausted.

“There are mixed feelings at the centre, we wanted him to beat the record but in the end it was a fantastic event which raised money for a good charity.

“We all feel a little deflated but 70 hours is a long time and he did unbelievably well to carry on that long.”

Despite DJ Jaffa’s failure to smash the world record, it is thought he may have broken the British record for the longest continuos DJ marathon.

He will need to submit evidence of his attempt to officially set the record.

I wouldn’t know what to do or say after the first 36 hours, I mean, is twisting those turntables really that enigmatic that you would be motivated to continue the bippity bop for another day and a half? I think I’d rather be blogging, who wouldn’t?

I was looking at the EFF’s recent article on How Not To Get Sued by the RIAA for File-sharing and thought this was an interesting point:

2. The RIAA appears to be targeting subpoenas at users who allow their computers to be “Supernodes” on the FastTrack P2P System (used, for instance, by KaZaA and Morpheus). In order to further reduce the risk of having your ISP subpoenaed or of being sued yourself, we recommend that you make sure your computer is not being used as a Supernode. To learn more about Supernodes and how to make sure your computer is not one, look here: http://www.whtvcable.com/fasttrack and http://helpdesk.princeton.edu/kb/display.plx?ID=9245. See also Disabling the Supernode function with KaZaA (PDF 331k).

Now for those of you that are unfamiliar with a ‘Supernode’ here is a good explanation as to what it is:

Supernodes are an essential part of the network. When being a Supernode, other users in your neighbourhood will automatically upload to your machine a small list of files they are sharing, whenever possible using the same Internet Service Provider or located in the same region as you. When they search they send the search request to you as a Supernode. This request will also be forwarded to other supernodes. The results are then send back to the user. The actual download will be directly from the computer who is sharing the file, not from you. The download goes from them to the person who wants it, peer-to-peer.

Any computer using Kazaa (Lite) can become a Supernode if they have a modern computer and are accessing the Internet with a broadband connection. Being a Supernode does not affect your performance noticeably.

Now, keep in mind, the RIAA is apparently targeting Supernode users, the question is however, why?

I’m wondering how Kazaa users will be able to communicate without Supernode users. Maybe the RIAA figured out that the Supernode users are an important glue within the entire system and without the coordination/communication that goes on between ‘normal’ and ‘Supernode’ users, file sharing would either be more difficult or impossible. If that is the case, than targeting these users first would be a smart move for the RIAA.

Remember, these Supernode users aren’t even necessarily trading the most files (or any for that matter), but what they are doing is assisting/aiding the swapping of files by acting as a decentralized shard in a DNS-like system.

Let me know if you see any other article that discusses this idea, I’d like to know the method to their madness (other than eating lots of paint chips and/or being a militant vegan).

I’m torn between finding my IP address in their database and receiving a summons or warrant from everyone’s favorite uniformed officers:

Subpoena Username Query Form

Concerned that information about your file-sharing username may have been subpoenaed by the RIAA? Check here to see if your username or IP address is on one of the subpoenas filed with the D.C. District Court. This information is drawn from the court’s publicly available PACER database and will be updated when that system is updated.

Username or IP address:

For more information on limiting your liability, check out How Not to Get Sued by the RIAA for File Sharing (and other Ideas to Avoid Being Treated Like a Criminal).

And as luck would have it, none of my 27 IPs attached to my huge datacenter(s) are found in this Database of Love™. I’d like to thank my mom and dad for this opportunity…

Naked women safari hunt ‘was hoax’:

A promoter who offered to take men on safaris in which they could hunt down naked young women with paintball guns admits it was a hoax.

Promoter Michael Burdick now faces charges and could get six months in jail and a $1,000 fine for operating without a proper business licence, said the Mayor of Las Vegas Oscar Goodman.

“I’ll do everything I can to see this man is punished for trying to embarrass Las Vegas,” Goodman said.

Burdick found himself the target of women’s groups after he told a Las Vegas TV station that he was selling reservations to men willing to pay up to $10,000 to hunt down naked women in the desert.

Las Vegas officials investigated and said Burdick admitted that the safaris were just a hoax intended to promote the “Hunting for Bambi” videos that Burdick sells.

The videos are marketed as depicting nude women being hunted by men who have paid for the privilege. But the mayor said the videos actually show “actors and actresses and there wasn’t even the real shooting of paintballs”.

City officials said Burdick sold videotapes through a company owned by his fiancee, Lakana Campbell.

John Redlein, an assistant city attorney, said Burdick offered the hunts at high prices to discourage anyone from actually booking a safari, and he told investigators his internet site could not even accept credit card charges in the amount necessary to reserve a hunt.

Amusingly enough, I know of some individuals (through a friend of a friend) that not only was pumped up about the existence of such a paintball arena, but was going to save up money to shoot up Olga, Helga and Bertha.

Of course, they also believed that Metallica patented the chords E and F…

Everyone’s favorite consumer charlatan advocate group is of course, in the news more and more, this time, as Pete at DiVERSiONZ points out, the RIAA does not care who actually downloads very popular Milli Vanilli songs. Nope, if you clicked the “Download button” no matter how old you are (gramps included) you’re totally guilty of being a Section 8 malfunction that should be dumped into File 13 (theft?).

So… I was wondering what would happen to the 12 year-old cousins I have, I mean, they are vile degenerate philistines that must be placed under State control. If they are allowed to roam the Internet, causing suffering and mass starvation for thousands of artists who knows what wars they might cause in regions far far away.

Call in the Marines, the true enemy is file swappers, a menace to society the RIAA.

Going on holiday ‘lowers your IQ’:

A scientist claims going on holiday makes you stupid.

Siegfried Lehrl, of the University of Erlangen and Nuremberg in Germany, says sunbathing and relaxation lowers your IQ.

He told Berliner Kurier: “Fourteen days of complete rest can be enough to bring your IQ down by 20 points.”

Mr Lehrl agrees people who work hard all year need some time to relax.

But he says they should avoid getting bored while on holiday, since boredom affects intelligence.

He told the newspaper paper: “Boredom is a warning signal when we feel a lack of mental challenge.”

Mr Lehrl recommends a daily round of backgammon, or taking a book along to the beach to stay smart.

I wonder if there is a way to “gain” those 20 points back… I mean, afterawhile wouldn’t you go negative?

Hi, I’m Forest, Forest Gump.

I guess this puts a new spin on public education too:

Martin: Mrs. Crabapple, I’m really bored, can’t we try to learn something challenging or new?
Crabapple: I’m sorry Martin, but this is what the Board told us that this was the proper way to do things, besides if its worked this well for so long, why change it?