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VIOLENT CROQUET AGAIN THE FEATURED EVENT AT ANNUAL CLUB PICNIC:

One of the reasons the location is not yet determined (apart from Presidential sloth and dalliance, which of course never occurs) is the recent intrusion of senseless violence into this formerly serene and congenial event.

Senseless violence is by definition senseless. Senseless violence, lacking in any reason or justification, hurts persons and property and inevitably leads to CONSEQUENCES. If you’ve seen the movie Gladiator or studied Roman history, you know that even Roman Emperors do not escape the consequences of senseless violence.

The particular senseless violence I am referring to is of course VIOLENT CROQUET. Yes, VIOLENT CROQUET. In case this message is not clear, I am again saying VIOLENT CROQUET.

The movie Gladiator came close to depicting the spectacle and brutality that is today manifest in the modern sport of VIOLENT CROQUET. Mallets crunching with brute force on hard balls (in a senseless manner), sending them careening (violently, of course) against all manner of barriers and objects.

Such barriers and objects include, but are not limited to, human appendages, park benches and chairs, humans sitting on park benches and chairs, pets sitting on or near park benches and chairs, vehicles (occuped or not), all manner of flora and fauna, and of course BICYCLES. Yes, friends, even BICYCLES get im-pacted.

Imagine your precious Proscuitto Titanio, equipped with the latest Campy platinum grupo, and its custom white gold and diamond finish, occupying the same planet, not to mention same park, with such an activity. Let yourself feel the horror. Go with the feeling for a minute. Now you have some inkling of emotions that strike all who witness VIOLENT CROQUET.

The rules of VIOLENT CROQUET are simply explained. There are no rules. Instead, all is senseless. And, of course VIOLENT CROQUET is, violent.

And all this time I thought England was just a ho hum nation of shopkeepers — what have we here?

My discovery was spurred on by a comment from Julius Welby:

Football violence isn’t that bad.

Croquet violence has to be seen to be believed.

And I’m one of those skeptics that has to see it, to believe it. Well, since there aren’t any gardens in Texas (it’s just one big Dude Ranch here, with tumble weed and cattle), I’ll just have to put a rain check on the dainty Victorian rendezvous for a fortnight, or trés.

Note: the picnic advertisement was for RedmondCyclingClub, in Washington State…

Buffalo-sized guinea pig revealed:

The full magnitude of the world’s largest ever rodent has been revealed- the now-extinct monster was the size of a cow.

The creature weighed in at 700 kilograms and lived eight million years ago, roaming the lush banks of the ancient Orinoco delta in northwestern Venezuela. But the three-metre-long, 1.3-metre-tall behemoth was an evolutionary cousin of today’s humble guinea pig.

Phoberomys pattersoni would have lived a semi-aquatic life, munching sea grass and dodging other strange, gargantuan creatures such as three-metre-long crocodiles, lion-sized marsupial cats and huge, flightless carnivorous birds, according to Marcelo Sánchez-Villagra, of the University of Tübingen, Germany, who led the new study.

Where is Cary Elwes when you need him?

I had a pet guinea pig once, it preyed on small helpless children — and PTA council members.

Which one would win in a fight to the death?