BIN LADEN SPEAKS OUT: On Citicorp, Spider-Man 2 and those Marisa Tomei rumors –
NYP: What’s the best thing about being the scourge of Western civilization?
OBL: The food. The prosthetic limbs. Getting high and making scary videotapes to send to Al Jazeera. Inventing one’s own fucked-up moral calculus and forcing others to live by it. Weaving a tangled conspiratorial web. The skiing. The caves full of stinky man-smell. Playing your lieutenants against each other to solidify your position. Rooting out leakers and torturing them in front of the men. The feeling of being close to God and doing the right thing. All of these things and more. But the absolute best thing is not having to be just another bourgeois real estate dealer with a big nose in Saudi Arabia, in a family full of them. I needed to have something of my own. I didn’t want to have to go through life hearing people say, “Which one?” when the name bin Laden was mentioned.
Man-smell. The very reason I wouldn’t make a good terrorist, not a fan of sausage fests that end up smelling like real wienerschnitzels.
Via agnosiophobia.
World record falls to Flying Phil, aged 100:
A South African pensioner nicknamed Flying Phil broke the record at the weekend for centenarian sprinting.
Philip Rabinowitz entered the Guinness Book of World Records by clocking 30.86 seconds over 100 metres at a Cape Town stadium, demolishing the record of 36.19 set by the Austrian Erwin Jaskulski.
“Oh I feel wonderful now, absolutely wonderful,” he told reporters. “I don’t know how long it is going to be like this. Every time I go, I break my own record. I get younger and younger.”
He ran a faster time a week earlier but it was not verified because of a faulty timer.
The secret of fitness and longevity, said the man who is also known as Rabinoblitz, was fresh orange juice before breakfast, an apple after each meal, and lots of walking.
He walks about four miles daily to his daughter’s factory, where he does the accounts.
My roommate was telling me that some mountain climbers use Viagra because one side-effect is that it allows them to breath more oxygen at higher altitudes (or something to that effect). I think Rabinoblitz used a more traditional approach, inspiration:
It’s been awhile since I posted anything flagrantly morbid, so I’m borrowing a soon-to-be-whacked-off list from The Decadent West (funny guys, check them out sometime):
The current DW Death Pool Top 10 is as follows (previous rank in parenthesis):
1. Pope John Paul II (2)
2. Moqtada al-Sadr (NA)
3. Iyad Allawi (3)
4. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (4)
5. John D. Negroponte (1)
6. Ayman al-Zawahiri (NA)
7. Yasser Arafat (6)
8. Allen Iverson (NA)
9. Jack Palance (NA)
10. “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair (NA)
Here are a few washed-out entertainers and ivory tower intellectuals who probably won’t kick the bucket anytime soon, but here’s to hoping that they get an annoying paper cut soon:
- Pauly Shore
- Howie Mandel
- Wil Wheaton
- Keanu Reeves
- Dennis Miller
- Milli Vanilli
- The Wayans Brothers
- John Galbraith
- Francis Fukuyama
- Harry Jaffa
No squeezing the ju-uice!
Seen the poster for the new Alien Vs. Predator movie?
(more…)
