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A universal phenomenon including Shanghai:

In just a few moons CES will take place and we will all be inundated with a slew of techno babble from consumer electronic makers.

I saw this over at LRC and am kind of glad I don’t have to sit through any presentations this year:

See also: Turboencabulator and Unobtanium

I wish I had the picture of me singing last night, but if you’ve seen my Facebook photos you can imagine me dancing in a room filled with Chinese families.

Do Chinese people celebrate Christmas?

Kind of. The uber popular Carrefour (big-box store like Wal-mart) was decorated head-to-toe in Christmas pomp. Various stores along the streets of this city have put up Christmas lights and erected Ye Old Plastic Tree.

For all accounts, it seemed a bit like el Norte, sans one big thing: bearded Jesus.

Didn’t see him or his patrons, so obviously the Chinese are awful anti-Christians that burn crosses after defecating on a mound of burning rosaries.

Cultural exchange

In the last five days I’ve been invited to a dozen different Christmas parties and went to three. The first two were faculty parties (I teach at a local college) and were fairly intimate affairs (small groups) whose guests included native-English teachers, deans and even Party officials. Huzzah!

Last night I unexpectedly became a guest of honor. While driving through the countryside with a couple other Westerners, we pulled into a new convention center.

Stepping out in the minus 8 degree weather (in Celsius mind you) we were escorted by beautiful young Chinese women into a heated botanical garden. And just as the small party of guests I was with were about to dive into carby finger foods (plus fresh watermelon), we were all asked to make our way into the much larger auditorium.

There we walked past a dozen rows of Chinese parents and children — all dressed to impressed — and were seated at the very front of the room on a table not too inconspicuously labeled: VIP.

Then came tray after tray of foodstuffs that would make Atkins turn blue. He’d probably like the locally fermented wine though, very delicious.

Sticking out like a sore thumb

It turns out that a local English private school had put together the all-night gala as a way to attract new customers to their language center downtown. And as luck would have it, I speak English.

Actually, some quick background. The unnamed city I live in has a population roughly around 500,000 and was until recently a hub for agriculture activity such as tobacco cultivation (it has now diversified into various other industries).

I am one of six white Western guys in the entire city. Another guy from Ghana teaches at a nearby university. And there are about 100 men and women from Pakistan and Saudi Arabia that attend a local medical school.

Laowei! Laowei! Foreigner! Foreigner!

So you probably understand it now when I say people literally stop and gawk at red-headed me as I walk down the street. Just not many of me-looking me’s out here.

The new Great Leap Forward

If you’ve never traveled overseas to a real foreign country (I don’t mean the Anglosphere), then you’ll have no idea just how everyone wants to learn English. Many Koreans and Japanese are uber fantasized about it (I’ve discussed that here) and many Chinese, despite being relatively poorer, have also drunken the punch.

So now you know why several hundred parents and children dressed up on a icy night in the middle of the work week and sat through a big talent show until midnight celebrating a holiday they don’t celebrate: because the private English center is one hell of a marketer.

Throughout the evening there was never much of a down moment. If people weren’t asking me questions on pronunciation, they were asking me to dance. If they weren’t asking me for my number (to practice English), they were asking me what America was like.

So yes, to answer the age old question: life just sucks when you’re surrounded by beautiful young Chinese women…

Speaking of which, here is a memorable conversation:

Me: Hey, are you a college student?
Girl: Hehe, no no.
Me: (oozing out with game) Oh, so you’re like 19 or 20 then?
Girl: Ha, that is flattering, though I did just graduate.
Me: So what do you do?
Girl: I work for the Communist Youth League
Me: Ah, cool. (jokingly) Are you allowed to talk to Americans?
Girl: Haha, of course, many of us enjoy American culture.

Zing. QED. Take that Matt Drudge and Lou Dobbs. Contemporary Chinese communists are about as anti-American as Mister Rogers, Jimmy Stewart or Kermit the Frog.

Back to the singing and dancing

While a couple of us participated in some various balloon tossing games and techno-laser-dancing, the group of foreigners — all four of us — were asked to sing a couple Christmas songs.

As we approached the stage not only were we blinded by the spot lights but all the camera flashes. They just hate Westerners!

Our first montage was the obligatory Jingle Bells. The audience, being evil communists, clapped to the cadence. This of course muted their screams of jihadi death to America.

Then the next song was Amazing Grace. Yes, evil atheist me sang Amazing Grace. Evil atheist China hated it so much that they had us sing it again, to show their children how to lure Westerners in before the kill.

Upon completing our songs we sat down and listened to one of the other foreigners sing a solo of that hit song: Amazing Grace. The Chinese of course wanted to boo him off the stage and had they not eaten the food, would have thrown a rainbow of fruits and vegetables at him. Take that baby Jesus!

As the evening came to a close, they gave us bottles of wine and even called up a city bus for us before we headed back to town.

So, if there is any doubt left, don’t be fooled by the royal treatment: the Chinese hate Christmas, are not curious about different cultures and above all, hate America.

See also: Smells like communism!

I miss the days when I could surf through my flooded neighborhood:

Via BoingBoing

I tackle the age old question in my recent LRC piece.

If you’re a fan of being stimulated — irrespective of the long-term consequences — then you should not just greet them, but join them.

…if you recognize the existence of Tierra del Fuego.

It’s that time of the year where my evil atheistic puppet masters command me to spew hate and misery.

This edition involves Noah’s Ark and the type of flash flooding which almost ruined Evan Almighty’s political career two years ago.

In the beginning

Here is one problem with Biblical literalism, based on our calendar system when exactly was day uno? And how long does it take to walk from Mt. Ararat to Drake’s Passage?

Bishop Ussher’s chronology is traditionally used by many Christian denominations, he says terra firma began in 4004 BC. Other scholars date this particular deistic creation as far back as 5500 BC.

Let’s assume that these guys are correct, there was a day uno created by the Bearded God from The Far Side.

Now if they are correct about this, what about a supposed world-wide flood that wiped out all but 8 people? When did that occur in that timeline?

Like usual, someone put together a handy chart starting with day uno around 3924 BC and the flood subsiding at 2267 BC. So to be fair — and the most liberal — let’s use that 1700 year gap and also apply it to an even earlier start day of 5500 BC. Thus making the flood take place around 3800 BC.

Heck, for the purpose of this post, we’ll flat out assume the flood took place on 5500 BC and see how Biblical literalism is still wrong.

Walking 500 Miles

So as standard Young Earth Creationism suggests, Noah’s family repopulated the planet, giving rise to every civilization in existence — including those horseless guys in the Americas.

Assuming that a flood took place as detailed by YEC advocates like Kent Hovind or AiG, dating this event anytime prior to 10,000 BC means they lose this blog battle.

You see, based on archaeological evidence of the Americas, there were numerous clans, tribes and fully-fledged civilizations at around 3500 BC… near Tierra del Fuego at the tip of South America. Sure they didn’t have flushing toilets or high-speed internet access, but they did leave behind stone tools, trash and of course, bones. But let’s ignore that.

So let’s say that Noah’s posse sees the first rainbow at 5500 BC, built some tents and procreated a bunch. After about a couple hundred years of peace and quiet, they’ve put together a motley crew of several hundred, maybe even a few thousand offspring.

A group of them gets bored of playing Scrabble all day (they preferred Go or Mahjong) and decides to head off to become Asians, because they have a thing for fireworks and rice cakes.

Where do they start off from?

Modern-day archaeologists have posited an Out-of-Africa theory based upon all the skeletal remains and tools found throughout East Africa. Let’s ignore that and assume that these new Asians, Nuevo Asians, started out either in Mesopotamia (birth place of the wheel) or Mt. Ararat in Turkey (birthplace of rugs).

How long would it take, say 100 Nuevo Asians to wander aimlessly from Baghdad to Beijing? The distance is 6267 kilometers, but how fast can they go?

The thing is, they can’t just hop into their Honda’s and drive up the local highway. First, they have to live. They have to collect food and carefully wander across the plains of Asia Minor until they bump into the armpit of empires: Afghanistan. Let’s say they manage to cross 30 kilometers a week without rain, snow, monsoons or other inclement weather. We should also take into account party members dying from dysentery, dying while trying to ford the river, and dying from attacks by white, two-dimensional bears (aka the Oregon Trail).

Sleeping without a roof

In real life, the group would inevitably have had to rest on occasion because their Asian parents forced them to bring a piano which is hard to pull up hill.

One such pit stop probably looked like this: while the women folk watch Desperate Cavewives and haul around babies, the men skin small guinea pigs and stitch together new Nike cross-trainers to sell to on the streets of a not-yet-founded Hong Kong. Always be prepared.

Okay, so remember, no one has a GPS and they have no idea that all of the ‘Stans are barren unforgiving steppes in every direction. But they keep a stiff upper lip and trudge away.

And then they have to found India quickly and bury a bunch of civilizations worth of bones and trash for archaeologists to stumble on later. But let’s skip that part. (See history of India).

Instead, these guys are going straight to the Bering Strait and are only stopping to practice their violins and cram for the SAT.

Alright, so if they b-lined it from Baghdad at the start of spring, some 200 days later they could saunter into Tienanmen Square, just missing the Mid-Autumn festival.

Realistically however, assuming that any of them survived, it’s hard to imagine how even a modern-day, seasoned group of Special Forces led by Chuck Norris himself could hike that distance in one season. Remember, no maps, no compasses, no flash lights, no Gortex, no tarps or sleeping bags. Oh and lots of hairy unplucked unibrows. Gross.

So let’s say the Nuevo Asians detour along the Khyber Pass, save some valuable time swimming up the Mekong river and then set up a H&R Block franchise for a few years in Yunnan (whose hand-sculpted terraces and rice paddies have been continually cultivated for some 8000 years). They are thrifty Asians after all, gotta bring in the bling.

Okay, so like Moses, 40 years later they make it to Beijing, just in time to see Wang build the first kite. The promised land, right?

Nope. Now they have to found both Korea and Japan (with cultures dating back thousands of years BC), then saunter up to Cape Dezhnev next to the Bering Strait.

Who never prospers?

But let’s cheat again. None of the party members want to cross the land bridge because there are no extended warranties for the Lexus SUVs they are now driving.

Instead let’s go back to central China, to Kaifeng. A direct flight from there to Santiago Chile apparently is about 19,000 kilometers. In reality, the journey on land would take the form of a big parabola and involve marching across every terrain imaginable. Facing gigantic Kodiak bears, harsh blizzards, General Winter and Canadians. Then they would have to cross the Great Plains without the aid of Doppler radar and frantically sidestep some of those nasty turnadows you see in fancy movies. (See the alley)

Then cross North Texas. Then Central Texas. Then Southwestern Texas. And finally, to Nuevo Laredo where they create the first Taco Bell. The Chihuahua would be added later by Cortez who didn’t like hair on anything.

Making their way south, the Nuevo Asians leave a gooey trail of various other cultures that would later build temples and become the centerpiece of Apocalypto. Then they would use their banana domestication skills (having already done so back in Southeast Asia) and create Del Monte thus laying the seeds to the Banana Wars.

Upon reaching Columbia, they get high on cocaine for a few generations and leave behind the great-grandparents of Juan Valdez.

Then they scale the Andes mountains, blast the stone apart (because Asians invented gunpowder) and build a karaoke bar which is later renovated into Machu Picchu.

Then they split into factions. One group books it over to Buenos Aires and erects a gigantic phallus that is later chiseled into Christ the Redeemer. The other sets sail to Easter Island to carve big headed statues, implying that Asians are super smart.

Finally, a smaller third group of Asians domesticate horses and become the first vaqueros and then head to the tip of America del Sur. These people become known as Yaghan. And just as they are pitching their tents, unitard-wearing Francis Drake comes sailing through what was then called the Asian Passage. He renames it. What an asshole.

Then hands them a bunch of blankets with smallpox and erasing all traces of Nuevo Asians below the Mason-Dixon line.

What really happened

Getting back to the original exercise, the problem with this particular Biblical interpretation is that it wholly ignores the archaeological evidence of Pre-Columbian Americas, of which numerous sites date back thousands of years. It also ignores the time needed to effectively build a population base large enough to fill out South and East Asia before making the fateful trip across Alaska.

Based on current models, it is believed that humans managed to accomplish these feats and reach the tip of South America some 11,000 years ago. Thus, even the most liberal Biblical chronology cannot account for this time span.

In addition, based on DNA evidence from samples taken around the world, we can use haplotypes, mitochondria and Y-chromosomes to give us a pretty good idea of who is related to who and where your ancestors came from. That’s right, by testing indigenous peoples, scientists can actually put together a footprint map that goes in reverse order. Be sure to read the related articles: Y-chromosomal Adam, Mitochondrial Eve, haplogroup

One last point. If you don’t buy the fact that humans settled the Americas before a hypothetical Noah was even born, how is this for mental gymnastics: Army Ants. With or without bazookas, just how the hell would these fragile little insects have made that journey across Asia and down into South America? What about the tens of thousands of plants and animals endemic to the New World that couldn’t survive the transportation through hostile Asian environments and climates.

Plate tectonics anyone? Or does Hovind’s god still work in mysterious ways?

See also: Great Flood mythology
Early human migrations
Population bottleneck
Beringia

That its proponents are sometimes financial buffoons.

I’m not sure how I missed this, but twelve years ago Neal Stephenson wrote a masterful essay for Wired called: Mother Earth Mother Board.

It’s a long read, but definitely worth it as he discusses many technical concepts and ideas that were merely germinating at that time. For instance, who says “World Wide Web” or “modems” nowadays or talks about the ramifications of Hong Kong being reintegrated with China?

Of all the characters I have a new found respect for it is Kelvin and the first rag-tag group of cable layers. In addition, the original venture capitalists for transoceanic cable laying offer a germane case study on just how capital intensive network infrastructure was and still is. This is one of the big areas that net neutrality advocates gloss over, believing that bandwidth is somehow infinite despite the fact that someone has to first build the network before bits can flow.

See also: The Great Firewall of Net Neutrality

Not a fan of CS Lewis but is this in order of importance?

Here’s Lil John’s classic song/video.

Via Robin Tovson

Damn, I wish I could use the title of the previous post on this one. Watch the video and you’ll know what I mean.

For anyone that has been to any number of hip hop clubs or enjoys rap music you’ll find the first part funny. It does kind of get old and repetitive towards the end (no pun intended):

Be sure to also check out Timberlake’s classic “Dick in a Box.”

Via AlleyInsider

If you’re interested in more details regarding China’s opening up 30 years ago, here is an interesting photo essay from ForeignPolicy.com: 30 Years of Economic Overdrive

You may also be interested in some original videos from CCTV:
- China Today: 30 in 30
- BizChina: 30 Years of Reform and Opening Up
- Video on Demand

In addition, the quiz on the right is a screen grab I got from CCTV. [This article talks more about gas taxes and this article talks more about tax brackets]

Remember, that is a state-run entity yet to the dismay of anti-China activists, here is CCTV talking about the Dalai Lama in public. Sure they may censor information, but not nearly to the sensationalistic Orwellian degree as people from BoingBoing make it seem like.

In fact, Bloomberg is fully unedited and uncensored (both web and TV) and they refer to Taiwan as its own separate country and talk about the “president” of Taiwan as a sovereign in their wired news reports.

So what is the real deal about the censorship or rewriting the narrative? I can only speak from my experience thus far and I’ve been impressed with the relative openness and diverse opinions expressed in various media outlets — much more than I was expecting considering the rabid anti-Chinese reports that end up on Drudge or Kos.

To give you one example of public dissent, CCTV recently held a multi-day English-speaking competition on live television. Contestants were upperclassmen in colleges from across the mainland. Each contestant gave a prepared speech and had to answer a battery of questions from a panel of three judges. Then they were given a spontaneous question that was unrehearsed and had to defend their opinion with the panelists.

While some spoke about fairly non-controversial topics like the rescue efforts after the disastrous Sichuan earthquake, a number talked about economic reforms and social liberalizations. Not once were their words bleeped out nor was the show cut to commercial, this despite the fact that they disagreed with the prevailing laws or customs.

So after a month living here, I still call BS on organizations like the NED and think it’s an unwarranted sham to demonize this place as a fundraising tactic. Thus the next time someone you know rants about the evil chinamen, ask them where they get their information or if they’ve actually been here.

Now if only Facebook would stop borking up ajax errors…

See also: Thirty years in the making
Smells like communism!
Doesn’t look like you thought it did
I call BS on the NED