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Nope, not in Korea, at least not yet. I mention this because I have been witnessed to ten times more here than I ever was in Texas.

For instance, last week I was waiting for a friend near the subway and a couple of Korean girls approached me. While their sales pitch was not too dissimilar to the Bible-belt variety (e.g., what is the meaning of life), it struck me as an odd way to befriend foreigners (i.e., if you’re caucasian here, it is assumed that you speak English, why not talk about something else first?).

I suppose its because I look really evil, right?

Anyways, an enterprising soul ventured into the newly opened $27 million Creation Museum in Kentucky.

While his report was rather bland (how many time can you say “horseshit” in an essay?), the photos were quite interesting.

Based solely on the look of them, one of my favorite exhibits would be Noah’s Ark.

Because after all, animals indigenous to specific diets and climates would have easily been able to traverse the thousands of treacherous miles to reach his wooden boat. Mountains, oceans, deserts, storms, famine, disease, predators — obviously nothing would have stood in the way of their journey.

And then do the same thing 40 days later.

What a miracle!

See also: Neo-Creationists Love Neo-Pets
Intelligent Falling Theory
Incompetent Design

On The Daily Show there is/was a segment hosted by comedians Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert.

My brother sent me a link to an older (yet still funny) one involving the time honored debate of which god is the right one, Allah or Jesus.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

Or rather, leave the rubber duckies at home and wear a life jacket.

Thanks to BK Marcus, I can now say I’ve seen everything: Armor of God PJs

Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips:

VERONA, WI—Friends report that HVAC installer Kirk Pulver has markedly similar advice on both relationships and deer hunting. “You have to dress either to blend in with the scenery or to stand out from it, depending on the situation, but either way, you want to disguise your scent,” said Pulver to friends at a local tavern. “You have to find out where they eat, where they sleep, where they pee, and when they’re most likely to be off guard. Then, when you’ve got a clear look at their rack and you’re sure they’re legal, bam! You take ‘em.” Pulver’s associates noted that he has not bagged a deer or a woman in six years.

This reminded me of that guy who, no matter what kind of situation you are in, always has some kind of advice to give. That guy.

And to round things off, I thought this was a great headline for the simple fact that despite similar contents it illustrates just how disturbingly ridiculous products can be if they are merely rebranded: Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler

But, what about Jesus?

Some believe Jesus was actually a misunderstood Pastafarian. They say that Jesus was the first prophet of the FSM, but that his speech at the Last Supper was misrepresented by Atkinites. He actually said; “Drink this wine, ’cause it’s great with pasta.” and “Eat this pasta for it is His Noodly Appendage.” Which was deceptively changed by the atkinite to “This is my blood, the blood of the new covenant, to be poured out in behalf of many.”

This is from an FAQ regarding FSM.

Wired also has a new interview with his Holiness, Bobby Henderson — the current prophet of FSM. Be sure to also check out the graph on the population of pirates, very eye-opening! And the obligatory FSM at Wikipedia.

You get what you pay for. That is usually the pat response I give friends when they ask me about whether or not I am upset over something that occurs at a public school (e.g. shootings, sexual debauchery, skewed, impractical and mundane education).

Today’s lesson plan can be filed under “Someone Has The Case Of The Fundies” (read its entirety for some nutty quotes). However, that moral pep rally is not the prime focus of the post, but rather: ‘evil evolution - evilution.’

The Economist (the magazine) posted an interesting article from its print edition regarding “[t]he struggle against superbugs.” In essence, various bacteria - Staphylococcus aureus in particular - have built up immunity against numerous antibiotics. While scientists and commentators point fingers at culprits responsible for the immunity (such as overuse or improper use of drugs), the fact remains: the bacteria mutated, changed or otherwise evolved due to environmental conditions.

How do these two issues relate?

When the school board for public schools in Kansas redefined science last month, residents were simply getting what they paid for (i.e. collectivistic education run via politicized ‘interest groups’). On the one hand, it would be interesting to learn what these ‘intelligent design‘ proponents might use to counter the case of evolving bacteria. Or for that matter, gestating fetuses — after all, it does take around 9 months for a embryo to fully develop and evolve into a baby and another 16+ years to physically mature into an adult.

But then if you bite the lure, you would be missing the bigger picture: the main issue that is overlooked during these sensationalistic hearings is that public education is simply that, public. If the industry was deregulated and privatized altogether, the issue as to what should or should not be taught would then be a personal, private matter left up to individual households — and not up to a committee of biased individuals (from either side).

Just like ‘social security,’ instead of having money taken from your paycheck and then distributed via public policies, individuals should simply stop funding State education… and eventually the State itself.

Note: Admittedly, I’m partial to a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Univ. of Kansas Takes Up Creation Debate:

LAWRENCE, Kan. - Creationism and intelligent design are going to be studied at the University of Kansas, but not in the way advocated by opponents of the theory of evolution.

A course being offered next semester by the university religious studies department is titled “Special Topics in Religion: Intelligent Design, Creationism and other Religious Mythologies.”

“The KU faculty has had enough,” said Paul Mirecki, department chairman.

“Creationism is mythology,” Mirecki said. “Intelligent design is mythology. It’s not science. They try to make it sound like science. It clearly is not.”

I do not thing I have gone a day down here in College Station without seeing one of those Ichthys ‘Truth-eats-darwin’ fish on the back of a car. In fact, you can easily spot half-a-dozen or so by simply walking through the parking lot each day. I could only imagine the uproar if such a course was offered here, especially from ol’ Patty boy.

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory:

“Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, ‘I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.’ Of course, he is alluding to a higher power.”

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world’s leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God’s Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

TBN’s Promise: Send Money and See Riches:

Pastor Paul Crouch calls it “God’s economy of giving,” and here is how it works:

People who donate to Crouch’s Trinity Broadcasting Network will reap financial blessings from a grateful God. The more they give TBN, the more he will give them.

Being broke or in debt is no excuse not to write a check. In fact, it’s an ideal opportunity. For God is especially generous to those who give when they can least afford it.

“He’ll give you thousands, hundreds of thousands,” Crouch told his viewers during a telethon last November. “He’ll give millions and billions of dollars.”

Preachers who pass the hat while praising the Lord have long been the stuff of ridicule in film and fiction. But for Crouch and his Orange County-based television ministry, God’s economy of giving is no laughing matter. It brings a rich bounty, year after year.

Crouch has used a doctrine called the “prosperity gospel” to underwrite a worldwide broadcasting network and a life of luxury for himself and his family.

For at least a century, preachers have plied the notion that dropping money in the collection plate will bring blessings from God — material as well as spiritual. But Crouch, through inspired salesmanship and advanced telecommunications technology, has converted this timeworn creed into a potent financial engine.

The hardest part about posting this story is figuring out some place to cut it off. Seriously, drop everything you’re doing and read the rest of this article. Incredible quotes like:

- “If my heart really, honestly desires a nice Cadillac … would there be something terribly wrong with me saying, ‘Lord, it is the desire of my heart to have a nice car … and I’ll use it for your glory?’ ” Crouch asked.
- “John 19 tells us that Jesus wore designer clothes,” Avanzini said, referring to the purple robe that Christ’s tormentors wrapped around him before the Crucifixion. “I mean, you didn’t get the stuff he wore off the rack…. No, this was custom stuff.
- “Get Jesus on that credit card!” McClendon said.

I wonder if that Bible thing talks about fraud, I mean, you can obviously interpret anything from that tome, surely that subject is dealt with somewhere.

To end, H. L. Mencken imparts his wisdom from beyond the grave:

“Deep within the heart of every evangelist lies the wreck of a car salesman.”

“What is the function that a clergyman performs in the world? Answer: he gets his living by assuring idiots that he can save them from an imaginary hell.”

Via Jason Ditz.

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University:

1. God had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt God wrote it alone.
6. It may be true that God created the world, but what has God done since then?
7. God’s cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating God’s results.
9. God never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry God tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, God deleted them from the sample.
12. God rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. God expelled the first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed God’s tests.
15. God’s office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

How about, God had a thing for unwed virgins and barren housewives resulting in long-standing family feuds.

Via Sharleen Mondal.

Peat, the slavishly rabid Christian fundamentalist, posted a link to the Presidential Prayer Team (and they all said, amen). Unfortunately, it’s a real group of living, breathing individuals that genuinely believe in prayer and that prayer works and that the neoconservative cabal are God’s chosen people (”Let my people go!”). Gesundheit.

Anyways, what beats that is the NeedHim.org evangelical outreach site that looks like a self-help AA site:

Why am I here?
How do I beat this loneliness?
What makes my life so hard?
Where is that one special relationship?

This has public-service announcement written all over it, like MADD or DARE — it’s not though. Truth be told, while I honestly have nothing against the sincerity and austere passion these individuals have towards this specific belief system, their marketing tactic smacks of manipulation and John-Edwards-vagueishness.

Who hasn’t been lonely at some point in their life? Or hurt or had difficulties? Or introspectively pondered existential questions? Does that mean that you should codependently attach yourself to a drug that never gives back?

Now my own questionnaire:

Significant other cheat on you?
Do you feel confused?
Not sure of what to do?
Want to dull out the pain?

Grab-a-God is here for you 24×7, rain or shine. This marvelous over-the-counter painkiller can whip the worst migraine your body can dish out. From the makers of “I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-Jesus” comes a product so sensational and supernatural that you will have to try it to believe it. Lack of sex depressing you? Don’t worry, after a couple blunts of Jesus, all your friends will want to get their hands on some good quality cuts. And trust me, this shit literally sells itself.

How many hits of Jesus have you had lately?

If you are familiar with the quixotic libertarian endeavor, the Free State Project, then you might get a kick out of this: ChristianExodus.org — This Time We Mean Business™.

Using a strategy similar to the FSP, the movers and shakers of this organization want to immigrate to a State chosen via majority vote, whereupon they move and begin a theocratic-based community.

As I am hardly a fan of fundamentalists, this is actually a godsend (pun intended). Everyone else will simply avoid whatever locality the bible thumpers end up settling in. It makes it easier for evil atheists like myself to mind my own business without having outside influences such as Pat Robertson trying to legislate their belief system into my lifestyle. In fact, their influential dispensationalism will leave the Hill which in turn will eliminate multiple hawkish foreign policies that continue to endanger the lives of non-fundamentalists (i.e. militant Zionism).

What’s there not to like? You get to cram all the various puritanical jerks into one relatively small land mass whereupon they can easily be ignored en masse. Additionally, it will save the public at large from Islamofascist attacks as they will all be centered on this nascent and ultra hardcore armageddonist state. Which begs the question, why not exodise to Israel in the first place? After all, isn’t that the real Holy Land?

One more note regarding sodomy as discussed by the CE website. Not that I endorse the lifestyle, but I honestly do not care what you do in your bedroom. Furthermore, I know plenty of practicing homosexuals and have yet to be gang banged by any of them. In fact, I once did door-to-door sales in a predominately gay neighborhood. Suffice to say that dirty old men attempted to flirt with me, but not once did they pull down my pants and get all buggery. Futhermore, tapping the rump is not simply a fornication act reserved for horny gay guys, straight couples have been known to do so too so much so that it has become in vogue thoughout the adult film industry (talk about a kinky dinner conversation starter).

And to make sure even straight couples forgo the temptation to venture elsewhere while sexating, there will be a GodMonitor™ security camera in each bedroom and a tag attached to each person’s ars. If it is active more than 3 minutes at a time the sensor alerts the officials in Jebusia, the new capital whereupon they open an investigation to see if there was any in and out motion going on.

Remember, Jesus was a Republican — he voted for Dubya.

Evilution exposed! All FAKE!!!:

The Theory of Darwinian Anti-Theism has just COLLAPSED!
Paleontologists have found a piece of COAL containing
a perfectly preserved HUMAN BEING. By the theory
of EVILUTION, coal is much OLDER than mankind.
Even the most blinded Darwin-worshippers must now
ADMIT THEIR FAULT AND RETURN TO THE LOVING ARMS
OF JESUS CHRIST, but of course they won’t.

See the exhibit G (G as in “Game Over!”)

No no, he’s got it all wrong. I worship the Finches from Galapagos and started a casino on a Pacific Island as part of a witness protection program (I was evading PBS).

Save me Jebus!

Supply Side Jesus:

Via The Agitator - be sure to read the whole thing, or burn in hell.

Look for special appearances by Pink, Jackie Chan and William Bennett Iscariot.

And yea, being a member of the EAC, the hardest thing for me was figuring out which category to put this one in. Just like Arnold discovered that running for governor was the hardest decision he made since getting a bikini wax.

Boss: Peter are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: No sir, there’s a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate him.

Little kid: Maybe if I close my eyes they will all disappear

Contestant: Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies! Stop!

Snickers Announcer: Where Will You Be When Hunger Strikes?

Chorus: What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Dennis: What’s Wrong Mr. Wilson?

Robertson: One justice is 83-years-old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?

You may have heard friends and relatives comment on various events with “it’s become so hard to see a difference between parodies and reality.” Well, I ran across a site that just about fits that bill: OBJECTIVE - Creation Education.

You may have seen Landover Baptist and gotten a kick out of various shenanigans there, well this OBJECTIVE site wins first prize and a year’s subscription to the Scantily-Clad Furniture and Centerfold Drapery magazine.

My favorite section by far was the Creation Science Fair, with the following entries:

1st Place: “My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)”

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.
[snip]

2nd Place: “Women Were Designed For Homemaking”

Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences shows that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.
[snip]

1st Place: “Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria”

Eileen Hyde and Lynda Morgan (grades 10 & 11) did a project showing how the power of prayer can unlock the latent genes in bacteria, allowing them to microevolve antibiotic resistance. Escherichia coli bacteria cultured in agar filled petri dishes were subjected to the antibiotics tetracycline and chlorotetracycline. The bacteria cultures were divided into two groups, one group (A) received prayer while the other (B) didn’t. The prayer was as follows: “Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen.” The process was repeated for five generations, with the prayer being given at the start of each generation. In the end, Group A was significantly more resistant than Group B to both antibiotics.

The whole site is actually pretty subtle about being a lampoon and has the added advantage of looking as if muchos horas were spent on layout and design. If you want some extra kicks, be sure to visit their condemnation of ‘malls’, look for telling quotes like:

“Darth Maul”: Commercialized symbol of evil whose name sounds like “mall”. Coincidence?

Oh, and yea, there are others who thought this could be real.

The distribution that will not lead you into temptation

What is Jesux?

Jesux (pronounced Hay-sooks) is a new Linux distribution for Christian hackers, schools, families, and churches. There is already a core distribution being prepared, based on RedHat’s distribution.

Jesux will aim to be an environment that is pleasant for Christians to work in, with all the amenities a Christian might expect, and when possible, free from worldly influences.

What is different about Jesux?

Below is a short list. As we get more information, we will put it here. Send more suggestions to jesux@pobox.com. Send your suggestions for content in the bookmark, fortune, and .newsrc files, too, and we will start posting some of this stuff.

-default fortune file contains quotes from the scriptures, Augustine, C.S. Lewis, Chuck Swindoll, etc.

-Christian Enlightenment themes featuring Jesus, the cross, and other Christian icons

-Login screen has full text to Lord’s Prayer and Pledge of Allegiance, with Christian and American symbols
   -Provide alternate screens for non-Americans, perhaps

- Pregenerated Netscape bookmarks and .newsrc files pointing to prescreened Christian web sites and newsgroups

-cal(1) includes Christian holidays

-Special hack of emacs “M-x doctor” mode, “M-x pastor”

-Optional technical support and basic counseling services provided by Christian hackers
   -The current plan is to double up the tech support line as a crisis line, where people in need can be redirected to people who can really help them

-Online Bible in King James Version
   -no other versions will be provided by default; we feel the KJV is the only English version that can be fully trusted

-Addition of /usr/dict/kjv.words (exhaustive)

-Removal of some of the RedHat games
   -we don’t play them much, but several of you have noted that some of them are clearly inappropriate

-Squid proxy server (plus squidGuard) bundled and configured for blocking illicit web sites (including a regularly updated list of illicit sites and URL patterns to install on your own; we will be looking for mature and diligent volunteers to help maintain it)

-Optionally disable logins on Sunday, the day of rest

-bash(1) is default
   -the “Bourne-Again” shell is already the default; but we like the shell, and we love the name :)

-chmod(1) accepts hexadecimal modes, such as 0×01B6

-qmail replaces sendmail as the standard MTA (sendmail was written by a prominent homosexual)
   -we are considering postfix too, due to popular request

-Hierarchical user structure, so parents and teachers can easily access children’s files without needing to become root

-No encryption provided; Christians have nothing to hide
   -We have had concerns about the “no encryption” item … but no worries, crypt(3) will still be there. Sorry for the confusion, we do not generally consider it as encryption, though, of course, technically it is. But since it is generally unsuitable for anything other than password authentication, we don’t see any problem with it.

-No cracking utilities provided; SAINT can be acquired from us later, after the user has proven his worth

Yes yes, for those that read Slashdot, this is a pretty old story. It’s a spoof, so don’t repeat it unless you have a blog that is equally as tangental as mine is. I thought it was funny enough to repeat though, because I’ve actually met a couple of people that not only thought this distribution existed, but wanted to help develop it. It even made it into a ZDNet news release and the E-Commerce Times (these are the Goliaths of the e-zine industry…).

Additionally, I thought this email exchange was humorous. It’s between ‘Roblimo‘ (who is the managing editor at Slashdot… I’m not quite sure how the structure works there) and the lampooner himself.

Heh, you know the drill. This is the part where I create my own Linux distribution called Bloggix: Push-Button Computing For The People. And then I describe how it includes RSS feeds instead of a journaling system and TrackBack pings for each time one kernel thread references another thread. And then you call me a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, nerf-herder.

Oh where does all the predictability go nowadays?

These aren’t just any ordinary security blankets, they’re super special and holy!

Note to women in the audience: all guys want one of these, be sure to buy a complete set for them. They make great house-warming gifts and are huge turn-ons. (Via DiVERSiONZ)

Bring out your dead:

In this treatise, you will find practical principles on how to raise the dead! These same principles will work on how to heal the sick, how to cast out demons, and how to cleanse the lepers. These are the four things that Jesus specifically sent His disciples out to do:

‘And as you go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons: freely you have received, freely give.’
(Matthew 10:7-8)

Unfortunately, in most churches these days they’re preaching to the dead, casting out the sick and raising the demons! The idea of raising the dead is frankly absurd or preposterous. ‘When you’re dead, you’re dead! Call the morgue and arrange the funeral!’ Yet, in the days of the early church, believers didn’t let death have its way so easily. They followed One who had experienced death Himself but, through His resurrection, conquered death forever. As a result, they believed they had authority in His name to challenge even death itself!

The good news is that such ‘preposterous’ faith is still possible! God can use you to raise the dead! God can use you to heal the sick! Think about it. Wouldn’t it be exciting to pray for people with colds, cancer, or tumors and see them recover? God can also use you to cast out demons. Few things in life are as rewarding as seeing someone bound by demonic forces find marvelous release.

Oh, and that essay goes on and on, this is just the tip of the iceberg. As much as I like the enthusiasm of holy rollers, I’m one of those backwards “I’ll believe it when I see it” types — though imagining things, like perpetual life, sounds like an entertaining activity I should to start practicing. Remember, if there is a will, there is a way…