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Seriously, In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro grips you with furry claws and doesn’t let go.

Arguably the only semi-funny portion of Talladega Nights:

Looking for an epic war movie that doesn’t have any brand name actors and takes place in a new setting?

Check out Mongol. While it may not be entirely accurate, the cinematography and acting are superb. Oddly enough, the time period costumes set across the scenic backdrop of the Steppes remind me of the 19th-century Prairie Wars… without the guns of course.

4 out of 5. In my mind it ranks up there with Gladiator or 300. I think the only thing that could have given it a perfect score would be one more epic battle. Still the same, definitely not cheesy and makes for some refreshing viewing.

Note: about the only redeemable part of Day Watch is the brief portrayal of contemporary conditions of the Mongols and specifically Tamerlane/Timur: resting under horses.

Terrible. Awful. I hope they never shut down their website because their movie-making skills are less than stellar.

The only funny vignette was the part about the amputee hockey player. And the Lebron James basketball player cursing out god.

So ignore my preview on it.

Err, from Amazon or Netflix of course.

Me and a lady friend caught an afternoon showing of the latest Indiana flick. It sucked. Never again should anyone allow George Lucas to have any creative input into the development of a movie.

There was no need for CG scenes involving prairie dogs and the tarzan scene was absolutely ridiculous.

Furthermore, the cliche stereotypes of the Russians and Native warriors were ridiculous. Where was the originality? The Russians weren’t even a believable nemesis nor did the dominatrix psychic manage to frustrate me like the Nazi bosses in Last Crusade. Send her to an ESL program and find a bad guy, preferably named Ivan (from a gulag of course) that can really evoke animosity.

And the dialogue they gave his son was retarded (sure I just spoiled it a little for you, but trust me, it’s not a big let down). Somewhere in the middle he turned from being a fake greaser to a wheeney akin to John Connor in Terminator 3. Grow some balls.

And jesus h christ, Speilberg has officially spent wayyyy too much time staring at E.T. posters.

For those of you wanting a comparison, it’s about as cheesy as the National Treasure and Tomb Raider films. Actually, to be fair at least Nicholas Cage has a seemingly witty sidekick. No such assistant character stood out in this heretical canonization.

1 out 5. The only saving grace is the music and the fact that the historical names used in the film actually existed. Plus in the motorcycle chase scene you get a chance to see a bit of Yale which is aesthetically pleasing. Certainly beats looking at unrealistic CG jungle all day (the very ending kind of reminded me of what happens to the jungle temple in The Mummy Returns).

If you’re interested in scifi/cyberpunk films and are tolerant of Japanese style animation you may be interested in Ghost in the Shell, specifically Innocence. Your inner singulitarian will be satiated.

Note: if you watch the first movie your wife might not approve of the nonsensical nudity in a couple of scenes (it really doesn’t make much sense, just an excuse to draw cartoon cleavage I suppose).

You don’t have to worry about standing in line to see some people get punched in the crotch by Steven Seagal. Somehow the writers at The Onion managed to convince a studio to put together a straight-to-DVD movie filled with their antics.

The funny part for me is that someone named Caroon Gharakhanian actually emailed me saying that he saw various posts of The Onion on my site and thought I’d be interested in the movie. Pretty smart viral marketing (using a bot to find out the millions of sites that link to even one article and then filtering for the correct email… innovative operation).

That reminds me of when Tyler Cowen released his new book. He emailed everyone that had ever posted a comment on Marginal Revolution to tell us about it.

And speaking of books, War Nerd, one of my favorite writers has a new book coming out on July 1 (apparently you can get an advanced copy at Amazon).

Note: no I wasn’t paid by anyone to post this. Yes, I would like to have been paid. Send yen, loonies or euros to me Seoul. No dollars.

Number 10: the Bridges of Madison County

Clint Eastwood basically betrayed America by making this movie. I don’t want to talk about it.

That is from a recent compilation of the worst 20 chick flicks of all time.

Unfortunately various girlfriends have dragged me along at some point to most of them. God I hate Richard Gere. Any Baldwin brother. And worst of all: Ben Affleck.

Oh who am I kidding, I scour torrent sites to find the best DVD rip of these emotionally heartening movies and watch them by myself.

Be sure to watch this funny recut of Sleepless in Seattle:

When I first arrived in Korea last summer I saw a number of advertisements for a big budget scifi thriller called D-War. I asked my students about it and they all said it sucked a big one — that Transformers was much better.

I finally had a chance to watch it and it sucked a big one. Not only was the dialogue absolutely cliche but the editing was incredibly choppy. Scenes were not allowed to finish before the next one began. If you have seen the horrendous Dungeon Siege by Uwe Boll then you know just how bad editing can be. My understanding is that on emergency occasions a studio might bring in an outsider to help fix this kind of problem. For instance, Francis Ford Coppola was brought in to salvage the remains of another bomb, Supernova. Should’ve hired someone for this mess.

Anyways, a couple more nitpicks. The main boss guy reminded me of the cheesy bosses from the live-action Ninja Turtle movies or from any episode of Power Rangers. There was also a good 10 minutes of Korean dialogue that I could hardly follow and seeing as it had a worldwide release it would have been nice to see some kind of subtitles, even en espanol!

Craig Robinson, the black guy, never had a clearly defined role. Not only was he a computer whiz with access to a detailed NSA database of every person in LA region, but he was also was a camera man, amateur detective and also had the authority to order and use a company helicopter. The thing that bugged me most about him: his laptop was never plugged in to a power adapter or wired LAN-line at work.

Oh, and the two main actors definitely didn’t look like they were in college, let alone late teens. It is the same problem that many films and shows staring young adults continues to have. Remember Dawson’s Creek or Smallville? Did any of those actors look like they were remotely the characters age? [Note: the lead male is actually 35 and the girl is 26]

And perhaps the biggest annoyance of all was that the scenery did not match the geography of the region. This is the same problem I mentioned with Transformers… where is that huge city the robots fought in? In D-War apparently dragons and dinosaurs are apparently able to run around without being spotted and the super evil boss dude was able to build a couple of huge statues and monuments in the middle of a field. That kind of stuff never attracts attention, right?

1 out of 5. The only redeeming part of the film were the computer graphics/special effects but even those became tiresome. The same thing can be said for Doom another movie I recently watched and which blew chunks.

In addition to attending a local baseball game, I also had a chance to watch The Forbidden Kingdom.

If you enjoy kung-fu martial art films, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and you are not a sissy, then you will enjoy this movie. Lots of over-the-top action but the writers/director did a good job poking fun of the entire genre, while still making it enjoyable.

While it probably won’t win any Oscars for its dialogue, the fight scenes are second only to amateur hockey fights. Perhaps that is plot/environment than Chan and Li can literally hit up next.

Overall: 4 out of 5 fortune cookies. You might also enjoy Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as well as Fist of Legend.

Four movies that get my stamp of approval:

Election - parodies student government elections in high school. The sad part is, these charades continue through college. Why on earth would you give an inexperienced kid authority to do anything important with student funds? More french fries on Tuesday? Bigger selection of soft drinks in the vending machine? Rock music during break time?

Do me a favor and never hire someone that puts that on their resume.

American Dreamz - satirizes the phenomenon of American Idol. And for shits and giggles it lampoons Bush’s first term. Hugh Grant is great at portraying smug self-importance. It’s pretty good if you dislike teeny bopper insta-celebrity crapola.

Saved! - I’ve recommended this before when it first came out in ‘04. Still great. In fact, if you’ve ever met anyone in the evangelical movement this is a pretty accurate lampooning at their expense. It is always timely because every week there is some idiot that claims god protected them from certain death, yet he somehow failed to protect everyone else that died a horrible undeserved death. For instance, see the quotes coming out of the recent plane crash in the Congo. Miraculous!

Dr. Strangelove - favorite movie of all time. Perfect in today’s political climate. Way too many memorable quotes. Uniter of hippies and historians.

I doubt I’m the first to see the similarities:

Both used viral techniques to spread
Both used low-budget handycam’s for the entire film
Both used young adults as stars
Both used darkness as an atmosphere
Both were horror
Both endings were lame

Can’t say that I remember the characters of Blair Witch, but Cloverfield gave us two more guys to poke fun at.

I’m pretty sure this was the 1000 scifi film that took place in NYC. Congrats Manhanttanites, the alien world hates you.

I give it a 3 out of 5. I hate sappy romance drama. And guys that wear blazers to parties (unless he is Asian). On the plus side, lots of death (won’t say who or what); it used creative ways to criss-cross midtown (one of the only redeeming parts of I Am Legend)… and the best part: less than 90 minutes long. Oh, and Hud has some [accidentally] funny lines.

While I typically like fighting against the tide, the consensus on Rotten Tomatoes is pretty definitive.

I too seconded the notion, that Tom Cruise’s “Lions for Lambs” sucks.

While I still think Spaceballs is the best parody of the classic space opera, below are two fairly comical satires in their own right. The first is the Top 10 Robot Chicken lampoonings of Star Wars:

And the Family Guy recently aired an entire episode that poked fun of the various idiosyncrasies in A New Hope: 1 2 3 4 5

See also: Convenient Plot Holes, Or Meticulous Planning

Over the past week I had the chance to watch every episode of the Star Wars series. It’s not that Korea wasn’t cool enough to garner my attention, I just wondered what it would be like to see them in sequential order.

After watching all of them I am faced with a dilemma as to what order people should see them in.

For instance, if you watch the original trilogy, all of your focus is on the protagonist Luke Skywalker — the viewer is left without the colorful and all important backstory/history of why The Powers That Be existed.

However, if watch them starting from The Phantom Menace your appreciation and attention is exclusively focused on the life and times of Obi Wan and Anakin Skywalker — and how they react to the geopolitical rigmarole and manipulation by Palpatine.

In fact, I think I appreciate the saga more, having watched the original first, because there are some page-turning mysteries that are left to the imagination of all viewers. I mean, if you watch Revenge of the Sith, you already know that Luke and Leia are siblings whose father is Vader. And that would be lame to know beforehand.

Some other thoughts:

- The action scenes, specifically those involving lightsaber battles, are much more intense and believable in the prequel trilogy. I was fairly bored watching Luke trying to parry with Vader because he did not have the finesse of other Jedi’s his age from the prequels.

- Somehow the clone troopers lose their ability to effectively shoot bad guys between Episode III and IV. For instance, they do a great job eradicating massive droid armies and other misbegottens - like Jedi Masters - but are horrific when fighting against the Rebel Alliance. Perhaps the emperor changed out their Koolaid or added fluoride to their water supply. See also: Stormtrooper effect

- I’m not sure which thing I despised the most: the obvious CGI characters in the prequels, or the stupid puppets used throughout the original trilogy (like the rat thing that hung out next to Jabba the Hut). That galaxy was filled with some of the most retarded looking characters this side of the Oort Cloud.

- Yoda is completely over-rated. Sure he is old, but you would think he could do a little better against Sidious (Mace Windu even did a better job).

- The notion of Midichlorians ruined the supernatural, magical overtones of the original trilogy

- As much as I disliked like Jar Jar Binks, if the original series was released for the first time today, I would probably chastise Lucas for his inclusion of two childish androids

- When the graphical capabilities of machinima become impossible to distinguish it from “real” live-action it would be nice to remove the boy who plays Anakin in Episode 1, modifying it to suck less (the word “yipee” should never be uttered by a slave). A young Anakin should have been slightly less jovial and more macabre, like Boba Fett.

+ Overall, I liked Han Solo’s character the most (though Obi-Wan was pretty good in the prequel) and Episode V will continue to be my favorite chapter (I’m a fan of AT-ATs and Super Star Destroyers). And I’d give the prequels a D- overall, largely because it didn’t adequately explain why Vader went bad; his “turning” was difficult to swallow.

Picking up the pieces

So, the question is, what episode would you want your friends or family members to begin the series with?

And, would you prefer to see the prequels eventually remade without CGI, or rather, with “perfect” CGI? (The battle of Naboo was the most blatant offender)

See also, How Episode IV Should Have Ended; be sure to also read the best revisionist history of the Star Wars canon.

Yea, so I saw an early screening of Transformers tonight. I’d give it a C- or so.

The special effects were fantastic as they spared no expense in filling the various action sequences with eye-candy. And the trademark “transforming” sound reminded me of the older cartoon series from my childhood. Crystal clear, vibrant even.

However, would someone let Michael Bay know that his script and plot sucked.

They shouldn’t have used high school-aged kids as “super smart” NSA agents, let alone the main character.

The chemical romance was not believable and its contrived inclusion suggests that the producers were simply trying to cater to young women or rather, the producers didn’t want to alienate them.

Tabular rasa

If I had the task of creating the movie, I would have removed just about any human actor (including the invincible special forces unit), added hundreds of robots (instead of the paltry dozen showcased) and spent the two hours blowing up most of human civilization. Mix in the obligatory large-scale tank battles and maybe one or two sparring sessions on the high-seas and call it a day.

There were certainly better ways to hint at the upcoming spin-offs in development, such as attrition-based continental warfare that could last for hundreds of sequels in the years to come. But that would be too cool, right?

Besides, there is only so many times you can blow up the streets of NYC-lookalikes. Give it a rest. [Note: the Hoover Dam is nowhere near a "big city" as depicted in the final battle sequence; it certainly wasn't Las Vegas]

One thing can be said, this flashback ’80s remake was a helluva lot better than the recent “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” animated movie… which does not even deserve to be copied from BitTorrent.

If you want non-stop white-knuckle action, go watch Die Hard 4 or rent 300… both are riddled with tons of testosterone and heart-pounding adrenaline.

See also the original cartoon intro and the old school song mixed to the new movie.

I typically don’t like seeing previews, but after watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Shrek the Third (both of which were good), I’ve been fortunate to see the trailer for the upcoming Transformers live-action film.

Looks pretty bad ass — here is to hoping they don’t overdramatize the artificial chemistry/emotions between the various characters (like in Independence Day or Starship Troopers).

Some funny clips of random shows:

- From NBC’s The Office - Dwight’s Pepper Spray
- Parody of the “I Don’t Remember” testimonies given by Justice department officials regarding the Attorney General firing scandals
- Funny preview to upcoming “prehistoric comedy” called Homo Erectus
- Kinda dorky Star Wars PSA (see also this revisionist history of the plot)
- Will it Blend — as the title suggests, videos from people trying to chop stuff up in a blender

Thanks to Robin and Justin for several links.

Rap has come a long way since it was first popularized by slam lyricists Shakespeare and Chaucer.

And with the release of Timbaland’s most recent single, “Give It To Me,” this hallowed tradition continues.

Which does a better job jabbing someone, Timberlake’s track or Furtado’s?

See also this parody of “My Humps,” which was recently lampooned by Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory, who notes that “no one knows what it means.” Oh, and pass on that movie, it is about a D-. While it has some great one liners (”remember when they were alive?”) it was formulaic and way too over the top.

Do you like kick-ass, chest thumping action?

Do you like swords, spears, and ginormous muscles?

Do you like an underdog story based on historical events?

Then go see 300 tomorrow.

It kicks the ferry dust out of Lord of the Rings and really gives Gladiator a run for its money (don’t even mention the seemingly pansy Troy or Alexander).

The camera angles, vibrant lens effects, and motion blur will remind you a bit of Sin City (because it was produced by the same guy) — and that is a good thing.

The only thing I should warn you about: totally not a family-friendly movie. And I wouldn’t take your girlfriend to it if she’s super sensitive to nakedness either.

That aside, it really makes you want to settle disputes with daggers, shields, and fluffy helmet plumage.

Oh, and the script had some funny spots (the audience laughed several times); my favorite line was perhaps from Gorgo the Queen who said that only Spartan women gave birth to real men. [Note: the Main Boss was pretty cheesy]

If you’ve watched all of the Star Wars movies then you will probably get a kick out of this “between the lines” revisionist history of the plotline.